5 cats, 1 dog, 2 Mommies and a boy and a girl!

Birthdays

2010-07-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am back! Will I stay? Depends on how busy life is and how motivated I am to write.

I stopped because I was overwhelmed by some difficulties we were having, my son was having problems and going for testing, and we were not able to have our much wanted second child. The short version is my son may or may not have Aspergers, further testing in a few years will show that. Right now he is 6, and while his social skills and fine motor skills are delayed. He is a very bright child who excels academically and reads above his grade level. He loves school and starts grade one in the fall. All is well with him and we have all worked hard with him. He is so sweet, loving and we can enjoy so many of our more grown-up activities with him. We also have a second child. We recently welcomed into our home a 2 year old little girl named Jasmine, who we are adopting. She is beautiful, good sleeper, happy go lucky little child. A dream baby! And her Robbie adore each other. He is a fantastic big brother!

What is on my mind today, is my birthday. Today is my 40th Birthday, something I have dreaded since the day after my 39th birthday last year. I am so not ready to be 40. To me life is a mountain climb. I spent 40 years climbing up the mountain. Life new full of possibilities, climbing to see what would be at the long climb to the top. Now, I am at the top and proud of my life and family, but I am not ready to be there. Now, I can look down and see the bottom below, I am descending towards the end point, instead of climbing to the mid point. And if the next half goes by as quick as this half does, it will be too fast. I am not ready for that descent. I do not want to be middle aged! That means half way done. I am not even a third done! This stuff keeps me awake at night.

The shallow part of me also, doesn't want people to think of me as that old. So, what to do? Do I embrace this new decade and use it as an excuse to become more me, more outspoken, more eccentric (as I said I would in my 20's). Or do I ignore it and keep plodding along?

The other thing bothering me. Is I haven't like my birthday in about 20 years. As a child it was exciting. Who doesn't like presents and getting closer to the impossibly far away grown up status. Couldn't wait to get there and be able to do what I wanted. Somewhere in my early twenties my birthday ceased to give me that same thrill and I thought about it. What does my birthday mean to me and others? To me on my birthday many eons ago, I was born and taken away from my birthmother and spent my first week or so in the car of nurses in the hospital nursery, nurses I will never know. My birthmom (who I am glad didn't raise me), well that was the day she had to say hello and good-bye to her baby. And my own Mom and Dad didn't even know me. In fact there is no pictures of me or information about me until my parents brought me home on November 9th, 1970. To me my birthday just gives me a lonely feeling for myself, my parents and birthmother. I wish I could celebrate on November 9th, the day I joined my forever family. To me that is the important day.

Okay, I vented. And I haven't blogged in so long, it will probably never be read. Which is okay, I just needed to write. I am happy in my life right now, 2 kids, Karen is home on Parental leave for summer. We are having fun and enjoying a unique and special time in our life. I am just mopey today!

Preschool Drop-out

2009-03-04T15:37:00.000-08:00

We decided to pull Robbie out of preschool. His last day was Thursday. And we are happy with our decision.
We have already had him in a cooking class. Which he loves and he is signed up for more. He has had 2 great playdates, which we were there for and have been able to direct his social skills. We have had time for his OT homework. He is going to a Fancy Nancy Tea Party tomorrow. And playgroup is up and running again next week. He is happy, well rested and having fun. That is what being 4 is all about. Not, complaining about preschool, not eating breakfast and being down.

In other news. AF is coming really fast and often every 2 1/2 to 3 weeks. I am going to the dr. and ask why. I hope this does not mean menopause. And I have a cold. I haven't been blogging much we have been getting a ton of snow and ice and that makes me blah.

Confused about Preschool!?!?

2009-02-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

I am so confused. We are thinking about pulling Robbie out of Preschool. Preschool was never in our plan, a few professionals recommended it last fall.

My son has a great preschool the teachers are nice. But, several things are going on. He has just been assessed with a number of problems by a developmental team. He has some social skills problems, fine motor delays, learning style differences and trouble staying in his seat. I feel that most of these issues can be worked on outside of preschool. Preschool is helping him learn to stay in his seat, but that does not seem like a good reason to continue. As for the other issues, they are too busy a class, to take care of my son's special needs and my son does not have a shadow. This is not the fault of the preschool it is just life.

He goes to OT (Occupational Therapy) for his motor skills every week and they work intensely. He attended a group last fall for social skills and will be attending another in the spring (He loved these groups, loved the kids and the speech therapist that ran it). I feel like I can help encourage him with his social skills in groups and activities with myself to guide him, along with the social skills group in the spring. The same with his motor skills, I feel I can reinforce what he learns in OT. And I can help him with his learning style differences.

He is also unhappy in preschool. He has expressed it to me several times in the last few weeks. He misses going to playgroup and some of his other activities. He really wants to attend a cooking class that's time conflicts with preschool. He has not made any real friends in preschool, while he had several friends at playgroup and his social skills group. I feel like if he was happier, it would help development.

I also know that kindergarten is around the corner and their is only so much time for me to help him, before he is on his own in the classroom. I feel like preschool is not giving the skill he needs to be school ready, and we have the individual time to give him. I am feeling confused about the whole thing.

Not to mention I am playing with the idea of homeschooling. The professionals said in Kindergarten he would have trouble because of not wanting to sit still, because of his need for movement and because of his learning differences. I will give kindergarten a chance. But, my son is bright. If these factors interfere with him learning and loving school, I will pull him out. I think movement is natural and all kids should have movement in their school day. And hopefully the school will work with his learning differences. We all have different learning styles, I know I do. That is what makes us unique and human.

You have to look everywhere when you have a 4 year old

2009-02-01T14:51:00.000-08:00

Robbie has a little table and chairs. He eats breakfast there, meals if he has friends over, and snacks. We always clean the top and sides. On a whim we turned it over this morning, and OMG It was filthy. A little science experiment of dried food. We asked what is going on. Apparently he has been wiping his hand under the table instead of washing them It took 25 minutes to clean and lesson learned. I encourage others to peak under their kids tables too!

Sick Boy

2009-01-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in awhile. It is because I have a sick boy, for almost 2 weeks. And we are both sick ourselves. Robbie started out with days of a fever and cold symptoms. And a cough so bad that we all did not sleep for 7 days. It woke him up crying for me ever 15-30 minutes all night. Took him to a clinic, they said it was a small ear infection, got some antibiotics. The next day he was falling on the floor coughing and turning purple. Took him to the ER. They did some x-rays and found pneumonia. Gave us some puffers and told us to come back the next day. The following day all he did was sleep and lay on me and throw up. Back to the ER and got a new antibiotic and a medicine for the cough (we started sleeping though the night after this). Saw, my dr. 2 days ago and she said the ears are healing but his chest is still a little rattley. He has slept and enormous amount 12 hours at night (since the medicine last friday) and naps during the day. He usuually sleep 10 hours at night and hasn't napped since his second birthday. Yesterday, seemeed to be a turning point. He did not nap, played and gave me a hard time about bed time. He is still coughing and wheezing, but his energy and appetite are better. Hopefully, after missing 2 weeks of preschool we will be able to send him back next week.

Here is a picture of him during one of the many naps he has had in the last week and half.

Things are kind of sucky

2009-01-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

I have been worried about money lately. I haven't been called to supply teach since the holidays. It always happens, as it is high school exam and turn around time. But, this year we have a few more bills from the damage to the house before Christmas. Just as I was trying to make a plan to pay stuff off. Karen tells me that her company is discontinuing monthly bonus. She gets a bonus every month, based on stats. And she always gets the top bonus or the second(she is such a hard worker). We have officially been hit by the recession. This going to make a difference of 3,000-4,000 a year. Which is big bucks for us. So, we are trying to regroup and figure out some options. I wish I was better, so I could go get a full-time job and save the day. But, at least with 2 part-time flex hour jobs, I am saving us daycare fees.

And the boy is sick. He has had a fever for 2 days, is stuffed up, and coughing. He has been sleeping in bed with us. And he has been up a dozen times a night. And no one is getting any sleep. Well, except the dog she is doing great.

Ten Years Ago Today...

2009-01-05T10:03:00.001-08:00

Ten years ago today, Karen and I became involved, I would like to say girlfriends but that took 4 more months. I had met her at the Concordia Women's Centre a few months before. I took one look at her at it was like lightening, I knew she was the one. I don't how, because I had other relationships and crushes. But, this was instant knowing for me. Of course through a serious of misunderstanding, she thought I was wild, and while attracted to me was intimidated by me. It was because of a infamous, not so g-rated girls party that happened at my house. That was not my personality and not my usual kind of party. I just happen to live by campus, so it was my place by default. Anyway, she and I started talking on the phone as friends over the next few months. I lost hope that she would see the light.

Then on January 5th 1999, the day I had come home from Christmas break, she showed up at my house. That was it, that visit changed our lives forever. We were in each others lives for good and fell in love in that moment in time. After, that she was always around. She would be at my place rearranging my furniture while I was in class. We were on the phone at night until we were almost asleep and then first thing in the morning. Things were volatile in the beginning, others lose ends and relationships to close. We were immature and went to the bars too much. A lot of people said we would never last. But, we settled down after the first year and here we are ten years later more in love then ever, and parents of the best boy ever.

Karen is still the one and will always be.

P.S. I have included a picture of us taken that first year.

Year in Review (Poached from Lisa)

2008-12-31T15:13:00.000-08:00

I poached this from Lisa at Baby Makes Three.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tryed to cut back on chocolate last year, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. My new year's resolution is to use the reusable shopping bags and stop taking the plastic ones at the store.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Some Mom's at Playgroup, but no one close

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, knock on wood

5. What places did you visit?
Bangor & Portland Me. and Moncton N.B.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? 
A larger family and more money

7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
The day I was in the ER, with my first episode. I don't think I was ever more scared and alone

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? 
DS, is overcoming some of his obstacles, new house and new job

9. What was your biggest failure? 
Not expanding the family

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Developed a heart condition, that will be fixed hopefully in the spring

11. What was the best thing you bought?
DVD/VCR combo that records DVDs and converts VHS into DVDs.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 
My Mom for always being there to help out when we needed her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
The Minister of Education

14. Where did most of your money go? 
House repairs

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Moving into our new house

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
I don't want to live on the Moon (Ernie, Sesame Street)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?
I think I am happier. Same weight, same money situation

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travelling

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008? 
With my Mom, Robbie and Karen, perfect!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
still in love

22. What are your three favorite photos of 2008? 
Robbie as pumpkin, Robbie on the slide and Robbie in Children's Museum

23. What was your favorite TV program? 
One Life to Live

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
Thai food and Cake with my Family

25. What was the best book you read? 
Heart and Soul by Maeve Binchy

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
None, Robbie owns the stereo

27. What did you want and get? 
The new house

28. What did you want and not get? 
Another Child

29. What were your favorite film this year? 
Sex and the City Movie

30. Did you make some new friends this year? 
Yes, some great new ones at playgroup

31.What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
Having another child

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? 
I lost my fashion sense when I got pregnant, so it is kind of old mom style

33. What kept you sane? 
Lesley, Josee and my Family

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 
French Immersion changes

35. Who did you miss? 
Dave, Dad, Lena, Ernie

36. Who was the best new person you met? 
Amy

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. 
To be happy for what I have, I could always have less. Enjoy, each day and appreciate how truly lucky I am to have my family and friends.

Some Holiday Photos.

2008-12-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

So, far we have been to Karen's work party, playgroup Party, and preschool party. Here are a few photos from that!
Happy Holidays to all!

Disaster Update

2008-12-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it is good and bad. Bad news is the insurance will not cover our roof. The good news is we don't need a new roof. It will cost $250 to fix and is being fixed tomorrow. More good news is our insurance is covering the inside damage, bad news we have to pay a $500 deductable.. They will have to fix the walls, ceiling, electrical and our furnace. It is going to take a few weeks to fix, but we are on our way. Right now I have partial electricity back in my bathroom and kitchen and a working stove. After 2 days of microwave cooking by flashlight it is a relief. And the two rooms that were damaged, were the two rooms we hadn't renovated yet, we were going doing to do them after Christmas. So, at least none of Karen's renovations were ruined. We are going to try and ignore the chaos and go out and buy a Christmas Tree tomorrow.

Disaster Day

2008-12-10T12:29:00.000-08:00

What a day. I woke up with my cold worse and my almost not able to use my voice. It is also super windy and rainy. Worked in the morning feeling miserable. Came home at lunch. Guess what? The roof is leaking. It is leaking right through the lights on the ceiling. The fire department came and turned off 75% of our electricity, including the heat and the stove. The roofers say we need a new roof. We don't have the money for a new roof. We have sank all our money and credit into renovating the house. The insurance adjusters are coming tomorrow. They will cover it if it is wind damage. Praying it is wind damage. I WISH WE NEVER BOUGHT A HOUSE. AND I DON"T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO?

Small Complaint

2008-12-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

A lot of my dearest online friends are giving birth or about to give birth to babies. My hears swells for happiness for them, because I have cried with along with them, during their long difficult journeys. I remember so well the joy they feel now, I felt it too when pregnant and after birth. And every day I feel lucky to have the best boy in the world. But, here is the hard part; I have worked hard in the last year and half to put my failed ttc#2 journey behind me. I have moved on happily to the idea of adopting an older child. But, sharing in their joy makes me remember what I am missing out on. As much as I want an older child, I also still want a baby. I want to be pregnant, and to breast feed and hold a tiny life close and tight. I will probably won't have a baby in my life until I am a grandmother. Even if I want to ttc and give it one last shot. I can't, my health does not allow it. My body failed me by not getting pregnant last year, and kept on going by leaving it impossible for me to ttc. I mean it is possible, but it would be so high risk, that it would not be fair to Karen and Robbie. I guess it is possible after the surgery, maybe 39 won't too late? Maybe, I will be happy with Robbie and older child. It is just new babies bring that longing back.
On a good note I am done my adoption training. Home study should be in 2 or 3 months. I am hoping we have placement early summer after my surgery is complete.

Gaps in life

2008-11-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have a small gap in my life, I know nothing about. I was given up for adoption at birth and my parents got be when I was 4 months old. My birth mother has told me about my conception, her pregnancy and my birth. My Mom has told me my stories from 4 months on. What is missing is my first 4 months. I have no pictures of me as a new born, no stories about my first few days, my first smile, how did I sleep, was I healthy? I have always been curious where was I, does my foster family remember me? Especially since Robbie's birth I have wondered, did I look like him as a new born, was I fussy and clingy like him? Did I have reflux like him? Well, I may get a few answers soon.
As you all know I am doing adoption training. One of the trainers is has been working for the department for about 30 years. She worked with people who were foster families in the early 80's who fostered babies, these were the same families that fostered babies in 1970, when I was a baby. She said there were only 3 or 4 families and they are all alive. She is going to do some research for me and see if she can find out who it was. I am excited to maybe complete the missing part of my life. I don't want a big relationship with them. Just maybe a meeting and any information they remember about me.

My little Singing Star

2008-11-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, He is not the next Canadian Idol! But, he is mine and will only be 4 and this enthusiastic once.

Praying and Preschool, what to do?

2008-11-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

I am asking my bloggers friends for help with a delicate issue I need to handle. Sometimes, I have a hard time not being a steam roller when it comes to my ds.
My ds just started preschool last week. We love the school and the teachers. And most importantly ds loves it there!

Here is the background to my problem. We are not a religous family. We believe there is a God or higher power. But, we do not belong to a church or identify with any religion, Christian, Jewish, Islam or otherwise. I believe that there are many wonderful religions but have not found one that fits me. I believe that everyone has a right to chose their own faith, church, or chose none or be an atheist. I have Christain, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, and Atheist friends. We have not talked with Robbie about God, as he is little and our beliefs are complex. I plan to let him explore what ever religion or religions he chooses as he grows, and I support him 100%!
The preschool is in a church hall, but it is not a church preschool. It says nothing in the material we have been given about being a faith based program. The first time we went they did a basic prayer before snack. We thought about it and said no problem. We will have a basic God talk, so he knows what is going on.
Here is the issue finally: We showed up early today. And they were telling him he couldn't have snack until he prayed. I felt upset. I mean this is not Sunday School. I don't mind the prayer, but he should not be forced to do this to eat. I talked with him after. And told him what God was on a basic level. And I asked him if he wanted to pray with the class. He said Yes. I told him if he doesn't, tell me and I will make sure he doesn't have too.
I am still bothered and wanted to talk to the teacher. And tell her we don't pray at home. And say, I would like Robbie to have the choice about whether he prays or not. Snack should not be dependent on it. I had to sign forms to agree to lots of things, field trips, medical, time-outs. This was never messaged.
How can I handle this delicately? I don't want to offend the teacher and her belifs. And I don't want to be the problem Lesbian Mom, of the new kid. Because you know that is what they will think. But, I do not want my son forced in to something, that has not been discussed with me and I am not comfortable with. Thanks if you actually took the time to read this.

Lesbians Attacked outside kids school

2008-11-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

I am stunned, I just read this article about 2 lesbian Mom's being attacked outside their kids elementary school. I can't believe this happened in Canada
Click here to read the story

Halloween

2008-11-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Halloween is a big deal around here. Mainly, because Robbie is really into it. He said it is better than Christmas. He picked his costume last year, a few days after halloween on a clearance rack and stuck to the decision.

Our Halloween started on Tuesday, where his social skills group had a party and practiced trick or treat. He could barely contain himself or stay in his seat that day. He was the only child that would not take his costume off for snack. And during the practice trick or treat he turned down plain chips because he doesn't like them. I had a talk with him after, I told him if he does that on Halloween he will hurt peoples feelings. I said if he took all the plain chips, I would buy him a big bag of dill pickle.

On Thursday there was a pj halloween party at Playgroup. He refused to where pjs to a halloween party. So, my little pumpkin was the only one in costume. It didn't seem to bother him.

On Friday, we went to a Halloween party in the morning at Lily Lake. My little pumpkin got to me the Magician's helper and was thrilled. The only bad part about the party was the trolley ride around the park. One of the horses was going slow and the driver his it hard with leather twice. The horse never sped up. And the poor thing had a another group waiting for it, when we came back. I talked with Robbie about it and he doesn't want to go on more Trolley rides. He thanked the horses and told them they did a good job. I am putting in a complaint.

Friday night we went to the Mall trick or treating and did a few blocks nearby. I had a hard time that night. My heart was racing, in spite of several ativans. So, I stayed at the end of the driveways, and let him and Karen go up the stairs to houses. Of course he told everyone who gave him plain chips that he didn't like them and he was giving them to Mommy. SIGH. After Trick or Treating we went to my Mom's where he gets a huge bag of special treats. I swear I have enough Candy for a whole school! Then we topped it off with fireworks at the lake.

Hopefully next year, we will have 2 kids trick or treating and my heart will be all fixed.

My son the photographer

2008-10-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

Robbie has been really into taking photos. And you know what? He is really good. Remember he is only 4 and half and is small motor delayed at a 3 year old level. I was not taking pictures this good until I was 12. I am posting a few for all to see.

Good-bye Baby Corey

2008-10-28T15:28:00.001-07:00

Karen's cousin Chrissy had her baby way too early. A tear in her lining made her give birth to a 1 lb baby, at 2 days less of 26 weeks. Baby Corey fought for a little over a week and passed away today. Robbie will never play with baby Corey like he played with Corey's big sister Caitlyn. Their will not be photos of all the cousins together. My heart goes out to Corey's parents Chrissy and Chris. Good-bye baby Corey, we never met you, but you are a part of our family forever.

Update on us freinds and family

2008-10-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since we wrote and we have been busy with appointments and company. Karen's parents have been here for a week from Montreal. Robbie has been so happy, he hasn't seen them in over a year. His strong bond with his Grandfather, that begin at birth, has not been broken by the miles. They were always playing and cuddling. They leave today and he will be sad.
My dear friends more Montreal have been found not guilty of the child abuse charges. They had 4 professionals on their side. Their adoption of their son will not be stalled and will happen on time next month. That was the good news. The bad news is they feel like they can't trust anyone anymore. Worse of all they think the complaint came from a member of their own family. The therapist that works with their son, said they may get another complaint, because people don't always understand special needs children's behaviour (their son is being investigated for Fetal Alcohol syndrome).
Also, Karen's cousin had her baby at a little less than 26 weeks, a week ago. The little guy is making great strides, but he only weighs a pound. He is in our thoughts and prayers.
Robbie's assessment came back and his small motor and visual motor skills are considered only 34 months he is (4 and half or 54 months). And his sensory issues are getting worse. Every where else he is on target. We have an Occupational Therapist who is working with him weekly. So, we hope he will be caught up by kindergarten.
We are also working on Robbie's transfer for kindergarten. We feel our neighborhood school is wrong because it has a middle school. With having 2 Mom's I prefer he be in an elementary school environment. Being in the school system I know all that homophobic stuff starts in middle school. Robbie should not have to worry about that. So, I found a small elementary school across town, the kindergarten teacher enjoys working with boys with social problems and is pro gay families. So, I have my fingers crossed!
We started our training yesterday. Yesterday, was one of 2 all day sessions, along with 5 night sessions. I don't mind the night ones. I don't like the all day ones, I hate missing a whole day with Robbie. And to be honest I am not comfortable with how much they are building the birth parent up, it seemed to be the focus of the first session. I know depending on the child's age and circumstances they may have contact. We do not plan on taking a child with birth parent visits. And we want a much younger child, not a preteen or teen. This would work best for us and our family. I find it hard this discussion. I never knew my birth Mom until I was an adult. And the time I spent with her was damaging to be and my soul. She pulled me down and I decided to cut her off. After all she did give me life, but that's it. How long to you owe someone for that. I am glad she wasn't in my life as a child. She was a child herself. I don't thing she could contribute anything to my life, only bad examples and confusion. I won't even talk about my birth father (whose only contribution to her pregnancy was unplanned sex), Let just say he is in jail and the world is safe. I also, did not like to think of myself as adopted, my family was my family, I just came to it in a different way than my friends. I think today if a child is put up for adoption under the age of 5 and the parent is not fit and reunification is not possible, a break should be made. How confusing is it to be pulled between two families? I know the department disagrees with and have their stats to prove it. But, we all do not fit neatly on charts.

More bad news from Montreal

2008-10-07T16:54:00.001-07:00

I found out today from our friends (the ones that have had a complaint against them) that a common acquaintance may be losing the child they were hoping to adopt. We first met these two ladies at a fostering with a view to adopt seminar 5 years ago. We did not pursue it as I was pg and didn't know it. They adopted a little boy who was placed with them at 4 days old. Last year these 2 mom's took in a little 18 month old in the fostering with a view to adopt program. They were getting ready to finalize the adoption when they got a call. The child is Cree and the Cree's have their own social agency for placement and adoption and they want the child and want it to be placed with a Cree family. I am all for kids being placed with families of the same cultural background. But, that should have been checked out a year ago, and papers signed before the child was placed. This is not in the best interest of the child.
All this is making me nervous. We have all our paperwork done and are awaiting one more document before starting training and home visit. It is a scary risk. This coupled with knowing a lot of people with babies. Part of me is still struggling with giving up being pg again and having a baby. I love babies. I watched DW hold a crying baby today while Robbie was in his preschool group, and soothe him. She was so good and so happy holding the baby. I thought I would cry. We loved Robbie's babyhood. I am excited to give an older child a home and Robbie a sibling close in age. But, part of me also wants a baby! Okay done having a tantrum.

Still Here

2008-10-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

I have been MIA lately. Two reasons. First the good.
I have been working around the clock planning the launch party fir sjkid and making sure the site was ready for launch. I love this job. I am meeting the most amazing smart women. Women who have either do not work for pay (volunteer), work part-time or work full time with flex schedules. They have all found away to combine work and parenting, without sacrificing intellectual stimulation or quality time with their children. It is inspiring! The launch went well here are some pictures from it http://www.sjkid.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=354&Itemid=355

The bad. My wonderful dear friends in Montreal are having a major snag in their adoption. They have had been falsely accused of horrible things by a homophobic neighbor. They are the best people. They have an open house where people are invited to drop in at anytime and told to stay for dinner. They brought us fully prepared meal when Robbie was home from having surgery and we couldn't go out! They have 2 children one birth child and one who was about to be adopted by them. Both of them are special needs kids. They spend all their time at appointments seeing specialists to help the kids, mostly out of pocket. This is so unfair!

Update

2008-09-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

To say life has been busy would be a understatement. I have been working non-stop on the new website and its launch party, taking Robbie to his new group and filling out paperwork.

To go back a little, the adoption information was very informative. And they were very positive about finding forever homes for kids. We were the only same-sex family there, such is life in a small community. We left thinking we couldn't adopt because Robbie's room is to small. We went home and got the real estate plans out and it is just right, about 14 inch's over the limit. We also came home with a load of paperwork. We needed a police check, medical form, 3 references, birth, divorce, marriage certificate, adoption application, Marriage questionnaire, self-questionnaire, child-behavoiur questionnaire, autobiography, questionnaire for child, questionnaire about child. Is that enough? It is all very invasive and overwhelming. One questionnaire asks about our sex life, is it good and describe. Can you believe that? It also asks Robbie who he likes better and who he fights more with. I feel this inappropriate questions to ask a child. Am I wrong? As much, as I hated it I did it. It would be easier to poke my self with needles then do this. But, I will because I want to expand my family. Our only worries left are: do we have too many cats (5) and is our house in too much need of repair? After we pass in our paperwork training starts on October 25th.

Life with Robbie has been busy. He started back at his regular playgroup. And we were all happy to see old friends. Robbie is so comfortable and happy there, I know he will miss it next year. He also started a new group for social skills. It is him, 5 other children and 2 instructors. The parents are aloud to watch through a 2 way mirror. It is so good for him, he has to wait, take turns, stay in his seat, and ask nicely when he wants something. A few times he got frustrated and pouted when he was sent back to his seat. But, that is amazing if he were with us and got asked to sit down and wait his turn, he would throw himself on the floor and freak. Amazing what kids will do for others, they won't do for their parents! Robbie is also making more friends. He has gone to 3 parties in the last week.

My job is taking up most of my life. We are putting the finishing touches on the site. I am so proud of it. Who knew that on Saturday there are 8 different family activities in the city? I am so happy I can help other families find things to do and connect. The party planning for the launch has been intense, sending information to the press and handing out flyers and booking entertainment and finding food donations. But, I am doing it, and feeling like I am in my element!

The last update is, I heard from the heart clinic. Before I see the specialist, who is called a Electrophysiologist. I have to go for an ECHO ultrasound. Then I will be called for a consult for the Ablation. It feels like things are finally going somewhere. My medicine is working a lot better, I have had only one spike in 3 weeks. Although, I am avoiding high excitement situations like fairs and concerts. I am hoping things stay calm for the launch party. So, I am here, being a busy WAHM.

Busy working

2008-09-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy working 2 jobs that I haven't had time to write. We attended the adoption information session the other day, I will write about that soon, I just have to process all we have to do. In the meantime, I have been working really hard at my new job setting up the new website. It is really starting to come together. Check it out if you get a chance and tell me what you think http://www.sjkid.com

Missing Dave, it really can't be real

2008-09-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have dated and had relationships with both men and women. With women it has been outstanding, intense, fireworks. With men it has been luke-warm. Well, there was one man that was different than the rest. It was Dave. Today is the 5 year anniversary of his untimely passing. I still don't believe it is true.

We met in high school, sitting beside each other in grade 12 history. Passing notes and sharing our lives. Our lives did not become entwined then, he was too shy to ask me out. Then one day a few failed relationships later I asked him out. Their was something special in those sparkling blue grey eyes. Hints of adventure, boyishness and compassion. We spent the next 6 years breaking up and making up. Even having a commitment ceremony 3 years into it. I learned from him, how to take chances, how to be strong in the face of adversity, how you don't need to speak every time you feel something, and how special quiet affection is. I think he learned how to listen to his feelings, how to talk to someone, and how to slow down a little, and if you love something not to take it for granted. We hurt each other a lot. I was emotionally intense. And he had demons. His small pot problem turned into a large cocaine problem, that later turned into a heroin problem (after I was gone). 6 years into I threw in my hat I couldn't stay on the roller coaster and I couldn't watch the descent into hard drugs.
We were friends on and off for the next 7 years. We would still fight, the only person besides him that can makes me that mad is my mother. But, when the chips were down and I needed him he was always at my side. He dropped anything for me and my family. When my Dad died we had not spoke in 2 years. He stayed up all night talking to me. And he held my hand during the whole process and was a pallbearer.

In the last few years of his life he met his life partner Cletta. She held his hand and helped face his demons head on. I am so grateful for that. I could have never done that, and he and I were so volatile, I would have drug him down even further. He had a year and half clean before he died. He got to live that normal life that eluded him.

Then one September night. He went to the store and never returned. He took a usual short cut which included jumping of the roof of a 12 foot shed. He never made it, he probably died instantly. Only 33 years old, smart, beautiful and full of promise. I will never forget the next morning. I had turned of the ringer on my phone. I was newly pregnant and did not want any of my old bar friends to wake me up in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing with messages. One message from his Mother sounding defeated, 3 tearful messages from his sister. I knew what was wrong, even though they did not say. I felt sick inside and I actually spotted the rest of the morning. I never turned my ringer off again.

In has been five years later. I have a 4 year old child with David for a middle name (DWs idea) and it still doesn't feel real. I expect to see him walk around a corner with his camera. I expected he would meet my son and they would get into something they shouldn't. They both would give me the mischievous grin. It is funny my son is no relation to him, and has that same crocked smile and glint in his eye, when he has been up to no good. I hope Dave's soul has found peace and is sitting somewhere looking out at the water. We who are left behind will never be the same.

Weird September Days, I miss you Dad

2008-09-06T06:29:00.001-07:00

September is a weird month full of life and loss, especially the first week. Yesterday, was 5 years ago that I peed on a stick and found out my beautiful Robbie was on the way. Tomorrow was 5 years ago, I lost my dearest friend Dave.

Today is also a big sad anniversary. 10 years ago today I lost my Dad, one of my biggest sources of unconditional love and support. I had jut moved to Montreal to go to school. My friends who brought me up had left the day before, I was alone in the big city without a friend. Then I got the call my Dad was gone. My Mom warned me the day before it might happen, but he had been sick for 10 years and always been close to death, but always escaped it. I lit a candle, made plane arrangements and spent the rest of the night on the phone with my best friend Lesley and my Ex Dave. Those 2really helped me get through.

My Dad was the greatest Dad. He wanted children for as long as he could remember. He would have been happy with 10, but he just got me. After 13 years of marriage and infertility my Mom and Dad adopted their much wanted baby. After, that I was his everything. He took me everywhere. We went to the library every Saturday morning, we went to the Movies on Sunday when the weather was bad. He took my friends with us, as many as he could shove in Rabbit hatchback. He took us skating, sliding, fishing, swimming, out to eat. He made sure I always had fun and never felt alone. He was sad when I was a teenager and my friends and I didn't want him around. He was happy when I grew into my 20's and we became close again. His greatest wish was grandchildren. I couldn't give him that while alive, instead my Son has his first and last name. I hope he is honoured. Robbie learns of his grampy all the time and can recognize him in pictures. I wish I could share the last 10 years with him, but I can't. I can just remember the 28 years he shared my life, and count myself blessed to be loved that much! Included in this post is a picture of Dad and I.

Dr. Update

2008-09-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my Dr. I didn't end up seeing the cardiologist, he got the secretary to blow me off. My dr. said that my medicine wasn't working well. She told me to up my dose by half a pill if that goes well, to up it another half pill in two weeks. I asked if it would slow my heart down too much? While I do have sharp increases (177, 191, & 170 last week), my resting rate is sometimes 52-56, other times it is 85-96. She said to keep an eye on it and if it goes to low to stick with the original dose. She said sometimes medicine doesn't work well for PSVT. She feels my only hope for overcoming this is to have the Catheter Ablation. I was hoping to avoid this. While the procedure is just done in the lab, I am scared, it is my heart they will be poking around at, while I am still awake. I guess I will have to find the courage. I am on the waiting list for the Cardiologist that does this procedure. Hopefully I will get in in the next few months. But, I can't have the procedure until January, as we are using all the rest of our vacation for adoption training. Karen needs to be home for 3 days to care for Robbie when I have this procedure. The dr. wants to see me again in a month to see how the medicine and she wants to find out how far I am along on the waiting list. She also told me no more trips to the United States until my heart is fixed, she said I can't afford to be in a Cardiac unit there and my insurance will never cover it. I am hoping the new does of medicine will work, I start supply teaching next week and my second job is well under way, I need to be in good shape. Plus for my new job I have to help host a major launch party at the end of the month, I need to be in good form to host this party.

Vacation

2008-08-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

We had such a great time on Vacation. We started off by having Lunch at Chuck E Cheese. Robbie has been begging to go there for a year and half, so he was thrilled. Karen seem to have fun playing the games too. The next day we went to the Children's musuem. The Musuem had a giant play grocery store and diner, this was heaven to my food obsessed son. We had a trip to Whole Foods, Robbie was thrilled to see a grocery store with so much vegetarian food! We also went to Joker's, which is like Chuck E. Cheese, but not as good. Robbie's favorite part was make his own Sundae at Friendly's, he said it was the best part of vacation. On our last day we enjoyed some shopping at Target, K-mart, and Wal-mart. I can't believe how cheap the kids clothes were. I internet researched everywhere we ate, to find vegetarian and child friendly restaurants. It worked well and the food was really good! The day after we got back I took Robbie to the Exhibition, where both kids (meaning Karen the big kid too, had fun on the rides). Here are some pictures from the week!

Hospital Last Night

2008-08-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

I ended up being taken to the hospital by ambulance last night. I was watching Robbie on the kiddie rides. And my heart spiked to 179 and I could not make it to the car. I got Karen to take him on more rides while waiting for the ambulance, so he wouldn't see me. They wheeled me past the kiddie rides. I hope he was not traumatized. All I did was worry about kids. When they put me on the stretcher a bunch of kids were asking what was wrong. I told them I was a little tired and I had to go for check-up and to have fun. When Robbie saw me I told him I was going for a bed ride. The drs think my beta-blocker is not working properly. The ER is going to have me seen by a cardiologist within a week. I hope so. This is 3 spikes in less than a week. I feel like I am missing out. I want to have fun with my family, not lie home on a couch.
Will update soon with vacation pictures, when I am feeling better.

Back, but Busy

2008-08-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

We got back late last night. Will update about vacation later. It was so busy. We are taking Robbie to the Atlantic National Exhibition today.

The Spoons, Flashback 1985!

2008-08-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

I had my night out last night and saw the Spoons. I didn't think I was going to make it to the concert last night. AF arrived yesterday morning with a vengeance. I spent most of the day on the toilet. I have never had such bad cramps. I took some Imodium and Tylenol and got dressed. I went to my best friends house for help with hair make-up and jewelery. She has been helping me pull a look together since 1984. I could never do it without here. We listened to 80's music the whole way there. When we got there we paused to check over our hair and make-up. We walked into the tent to blaring music, Blue Peter was playing. Guess what we were about the only ones dressed up, and the ones that were dressed were not as elaborate at us. Oh, well, their loss. We got drinks and sat down. Then the weirdest thing happened I checked my heart rate and it was 177. YIKES. I got scared got up and started to leave the tent. As I was leaving it was down to 138. It went back to normal within 5 minutes out of the tent. I wonder if the loud music did it, it was 177 for less than a minute. It scared the crap out of me. I took my Ativan and my heart medicine (45 minutes early). We went in the back and watched Blue Peter, who I don't like that much anyway. My heart was normal for the rest of the night. We moved to the front for the Spoons. They were great. They were even better that 1985. And Sandy was hot. Afterward we met the band and had our pictures taken with them. I will have those pictures later, they are on my best friend's camera. Here are a few of us before we went out!

Things are looking up!

2008-08-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

I got a second job! It is one I applied for months ago and have been patiently waiting to hear about. I interviewed on Monday and got the news yesterday. It is part-time and mostly work at home, with very flexible hours. Which means I will be able to keep my supply teaching job, which pays well when I work, but sometimes you work all week and sometimes you don't work for 3 weeks at a time. So, it is nice to have a job with some stability, while still keeping the other job. The 2 jobs allow, Karen to still work at night, and us to keep Robbie out of daycare. One more year and Robbie goes to school. So, I will be able to achieve my goal of keeping home until his school years!

The new job is interesting. It is website administrator for a new website being developed for local families. There will be list of community resources, things and places to go for families, classifieds and message boards. I will be in charge of posting the info, updating the info, developing new ideas, contests, moderating others content. Also I will be working with the public and the press for the site launch party and the site fair. I used to be a site administrator for an academic research website, when we lived in Montreal (www.iirc.mcgill.ca) and I also did educational research and teaching assistant work for the owners of the website. So, this new job will let me use these old skills which will have lied dormant for a few years. And as much as I enjoy the kids at school and the teachers I have missed the challenge of using my brain. Also, this job makes me go out and connect with other parents and families in the community. I look forward to getting to know more families in the city. The connections I make and the events I attend, for the most part be with Robbie. So, he will benefit too! I start in a week!

And today is Karen's last day of work before having a week of vacation. We are going to take a little mini vacation to Portland next week. Karen got a great deal employee deal on one of our hotel rooms, and I won us an $8.88 Super 8 Room. We will do some shopping for all of us. And a trip to Chuckie Cheese and the Children's Museum for Robbie. And when we get back the Atlantic National Exhibition is here! We will be taking Robbie, and we will stay until late at night, so Robbie can see the rides light up. Robbie is so excited he is counting down the days until all the activity starts.

And most importantly. My big night out is tomorrow! The Spoons here I come (don't worry if you are not Canadian and in you mid to late thirties, you have not heard of them) My best friend and I have our outfits planned out complete with mesh shirts, teased hair, and fingerless gloves. Robbie is already begging me not to go, Karen will have her hands full tomorrow.

Busy Days

2008-08-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

We have been so busy the last few days. At the end of last week we took my best friend and her son on a picnic at Meehans Cove. Then Friday, I babysat her son, so she could have "date night". It was Robbie's first sleepover. Not much sleep happened! They went to bed at 12:45 and my friends son started waking up at 6am! Sunday, we went to the beach and the fireworks. Sunday, night ended with a bigger bang then the fireworks. Robbie got a stomach bug. So, I have been busy taking care of a sick boy since then. Here are a few pcitures of the picnic and sleepover.

Robbie's Evaluation

2008-08-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, we had Robbie's evaluation by the speech therapist. As he was answering questions correctly, Karen was elbowing me, smiling, a raising her hand in silent cheer. You would think she was taking the test. I couldn't believe he did things with the therapist, he would never do for us, like taking turns. He was really quite agreeable to the testing. The therapist said his language is perfect, so is his comprehension and understanding. We already knew that part. She said part of his problem is he is too verbal. He doesn't stop talking. She says their is no give and take in his conversation unless you interrupt and ask for a turn. She said he also likes to keep play in his interest area, and resists someone else changing it. She also said that he goes off on tangents (usually triggered by a certain word), that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. She tossed out the idea of Aspergers. I am not resistant to it, my best friend son has it and I have worked with kids with it. My son seems nothing like them. He has great eye contact, can hold a conversation that was initiated by someone else, can lie, and has a vivid imagination and enjoys pretend play. I can see things that are like the disorder like obsession with plastic food and shopping and playing only on his terms. I am keeping an open mind, just not latching onto to this. He will be having a full evaluation by a pediatric Development doctor. I will go with what she says. And he will be going to a social language learning group (led by the speech therapist), it once a week in the fall. He will learn how to let others kids take turns and get in their view point, changing activities and dealing with transitions. I do want him to get help with his social skills, I can see at playgroup he can't relate to most of his peers. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I was a socially awkward child, with poor motor skills,sensory issues and advanced intellect. He is a lot like me. They didn't address those problems in the seventies. I had hardly any friends, by grade 3 I was very bullied. I hated school and was miserable for years. I don't want that for him. So, if all this stuff helps, label or not, make school a happy wonderful place for him to go. Then it will all be worth it.

Bad Memories haunt me

2008-08-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

Dw, got a letter from Revenue Canada, saying they were reviewing our medical expenses. Meaning our failed fertility expenses. Just when I had put that chapter of my life behind me. I spent the yesterday,morning writing a detailed account of every visit. Reminders of failure, reminders of hope, reminders of pain. We also spent the whole morning searching for receipts. I am very tax organized, but the move turned everything upside down. I found my Mother's receipts first, to bad it wasn't her review, it would have been easier for me to do. The year I had my son, I was not reviewed. Irony isn't it. I was able to account for every last penny, expenses, mileage and meals. Of course now their will be letters back and forth about it. Why can't this all go away? Must I spend the next few months reminded of it.

The government hasn't annoyed me this much in 2 years. 2 years ago, shortly after we left Quebec. The Quebec government wrote me a letter asking for all my family benefit payments back. Why? Because they claimed I didn't have custody of my son. During this conversation he is screaming in the background. I asked them whose noisy child was that screaming? Would they like to come have a look at him. And since both parents were married and together where was the alleged child? They had no answers. Of course, a few weeks and few calls from the federal government and Quebec believed I had him. They should have just asked the lady next door, who complained about noise, who lived there. I feel like I have made jobs for a lot government officials.

More Info for Tosha and Lisa

2008-08-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

Tosha: yes, we are still trying to adopt. It is a slow process. The information session is in September, and then the classes are October-December. After that is home study. I wish it were sooner, we would really like a bigger family. Although, some day I have moments, where I mourn ttc, pregnancy, and having a baby. Not for Robbie, even if I had the catheter ablation and try to get pg right away and was lucky, he would be 5 or 6 before a baby came. It would be too much of a space to be playmates. It is me that misses it. I saw a baby the other day at the grocery store, a little 6 week old. I felt that, I am never going to do that again, pang. The baby was crying in its car seat. I knew that as soon as the mommy picked it up it would stop. And it did as soon as it was cuddled close. I would love to do that again. I will get past it, I just have those moments sometimes. I certainly won't miss the sleep deprivation.

Lisa: Yes, I am an only child too. I was adopted by my parents after 13 years of ttc and infertility (ironic isn't it). My parents wanted to adopt an older child when I was 7, but my Dad got sick and almost died (he pulled through). After, that my Mom was so scared of being a widow with minimal job skills, she was scared of adopting another. I never really noticed it as much as Robbie does. Although, I was over eager to make friends like him. But, I lived in a neighborhood full of kids. And those kids were usually at my house. We had an open door policy at my house. My Mom always had snacks ready for everyone; My Dad took as many kids as he could cram into a car to swimming, movies, skating and sliding; and as I got older they never said no to a sleepover. It is harder for Robbie everything in life is so scheduled. To see another child, play dates have to be scheduled. The days of the kids running out the door and playing with the neighbors is gone. For me being an only child is only hard, now that I am older, with one parent left who is ill, and no siblings to share this with.
Hopefully, next year this time, we will be a busy family of 4.

Sometimes it is hard being an Only

2008-08-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

I took Robbie to the playground this morning. It was the first morning without Rain in a long time. He found 3 sisters aged 2, 4, & 6 to play with. He had so much fun with them Then they decided to go to see the farm animals. He wanted to go with them. I felt like I was crashing their party, but I said yes. Then they were going to the grocery store after, so we said goodbye and left them. They were his new friends and he wanted to go. It was so hard to say no and take him home. He wanted to play with them all day. I remember feeling like this when I was little. The little girls liked him, but were not upset when he left, as they had each other. Poor monkey, he is lonely. I am going to have to take him to places with kids this weekend and see if I can set up a playdate next week.

Annoyed!

2008-08-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

We still have 4 kittens and the stray Mommy Cat living in our backyard. We took a kitten, and someone else took one. I have postered, placed ads on the internet and the paper. Handled all the emails and all the calls. The cats have to go to a shelter next week, if they don't have homes. Do, I like it? No. But, the kittens are starting to wander and will soon be hit by a car or eaten by a racoon. The mother will soon be pregnant if she is not already. If they populate more in our yard, we will get in trouble with the health board. So, why in spite of all this, is DW making me feel like the bad guy. She is sulking and saying I don't care and haven't done enough for them, that I am giving up. Who did all this, but me? She says if I send them at a shelter next week, make sure she is at work. I am really sick of being the only adult in my household, it is not fun.

Going out for coffee, the big day out!

2008-08-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

I was so excited yesterday, I had 3 child free hours out with my best friend. I love my best friend, we have known each other since we were 14, we have seen each other through the good times and bad times, and always had a lot of fun together. Until 2 years ago, we lived most of our adult lives in different cities. Now, we do see each other a lot more often. But, now most of our time together is interrupted by "Mommy look at me", or breaking up disputes between the kids. Nice, to see our kids grow up together and they do love each other, but not carefree time. So, yesterday, we went out for coffee without the kids. I was so excited, I dressed up with the same excitement I used to put into a night on the town. We felt so giddy getting into the new car without toys, kids and significant others. We went to Star bucks and drank the most expensive coffees they have (the kind I would feel guilty about having, because the money could go to the kid, the house the car). We laughed, we gossiped, talked about old dreams and new dreams. Then we took a drive with the music blasting. Stopped at the house I grew up at, talked about the memories there. Those 3hours will keeping going during Karen's overtime next week. We have 2 more summer outings planned. We are going in 3 weeks to see the Spoons (If you aren't Canadian and weren't young in the 80's you don't know who they are), we saw them together in 1985. We are going to dress like we did in the 80's for that. Then we also plan a night out, when the kids are sleeping (Karen and bF's boyfriend will be with them). That night we plan on wearing out nighties and going to drive thru's eating bad food and driving around town. Kids are wonderful, but there is nothing like a couple of hours with an old friend.

Good bye old car, Hello new car

2008-07-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today, we bought a new car. It is a Pontiac Wave, it is pretty new, a good deal. We really needed it. On our old car the body was rusted and in need of repair, the brakes were squeaking and the muffler sounded like a tank. No sense in putting money in an 11 year old car. We will miss our old car. Karen and I had just started dating in 1999 when she pulled up in the car, the first she had ever bought on her own. We had many "special" moments in there, wink, wink. We took all our friends out in it, took vacations. Karen worked 2 jobs when I was pregnant to pay it off early. We brought our son home from the hospital in it. I will miss it. But, this new one is pretty cool. Even my Mom who was scared to drive a new car, was thrilled after a few minutes of driving and threatening to keep it. Below are some pictures of the new car, look for the one of My Mom smiling, she hates camera's, so this is rare. Also, a goodbye shot of the old car!

Heart Update

2008-07-30T06:58:00.001-07:00

I went to the Dr. yesterday. My sleep apnea test was not in. My 48 hour halter monitor showed no abnormalities, no weird rhythms or patterns. The monitor did show a number of unusual spikes in heart rate, not attributed to activity. So, she put me on Atenol. I am to monitor myself over the next few weeks and up dose as needed. I need to get my heart rate down, without lower my blood pressure too much. She thinks I will need to up my medicine a few times. SO, far it is making me spacey. She is also referring me to the electrical cardiologist for catheter ablation. I will go for the consult and weigh my options. If it is an easy recovery, I may bite the bullet and get it done. If it is a hard recovery, I may wait until Robbie is older. He climbs me a lot and I don't want him to mess up the recovery. When he is a few years older he may understand recovery better.
In other news, on my way to get a new car!

For Lisa: A start

2008-07-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

I don't have any pictures of my other 4 cats, that are digital, they are all on film. I will take some of them, when they come out and stop being mad about fuzzy. But, Lisa you asked, so here is one more family member. My dog Bella.

New Blog Name, New Family Member

2008-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

I caught one of the stray kittens and we have decided to keep it. We are still trying to find homes for the other 5 and their Mother. The blog name has been changed in honor of our new addition. The kitten is 6 weeks old and named Fuzzy by Robbie. We love it. The other cats hate it! And Fuzzy hates the dog, who desperately wants to make friends. Here are some pictures of our new family member.

Time well spent!

2008-07-25T10:40:00.001-07:00

Karen took Robbie grocery shopping and I stayed home. My son is the light of my life. But, he is a clingy monkey and climbs me and is on me all day long. I am really saturated because Karen has been doing overtime and I don't work in the summer. So, it was a nice break to have him out and have my space. What did I do with my time? Did I, clean, renovate, laundry, bills????? NOPE. I did nothing. I didn't get dressed, I put my feet up and watched bad daytime TV. It was a little piece of heaven!

Happy and Sad, or just confused

2008-07-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

We went to get the last of Robbie's shots at public health today. I ended up talking to the nurse about some of his issues. He has real sensory issues. He can't stand to wear shoes and socks, when we go out he takes them off every 10 minutes. When he gets home, he can't stand to be dressed and strips to a t-shirt. He does not like me to brush his teeth, as he doesn't like his face held. He has certain food aversions, he won't eat mashed food (just like me.)He is obsessed with plastic food and groceries. His gross motor is a little behind, he can't ride his tricycle or hop on one foot and is clumsy. He won't let me teach him to draw or print, or colour in the lines. And in the winter he is clingy, and just out of control behaviour wise. We had the Autism talk, and I helped her rule that out, his speech, comprehension, understanding of others and communication skill are beyond excellent. The nurse referred him for physiotherapy and occupational therapy. And I had a call from a social learning program, he was referred to this at his 3 and half year check-up, in the winter. It is a program to help him with transitions and social interaction with peers, all which are problem areas. So, he has an assessment for that, to see which group he will go to (they try to fit together similar children). I was telling her about my talk with the nurse, and she was concerned too. She said she would carefully screen him and would probably refer him to a developmental specialist and their team.

I don't how to feel. His problems have overwhelming me, tiring me out and worrying me. His ped. brushed us off when I saw him for the winter behaviour. I am relieved someone is listening and going to get him help. Now, is the time, as he goes to school in 2009.

The other part of me is upset. I feel he has a lot of good qualities. He is loving, affectionate, a great conversationalist, has a wonderful imagination, good with babies and pets. He is very advanced verbally and doing well with early reading skills. Maybe these are his quirks? Maybe 2 kinds of therapy, a social group and his play group is overkill? Maybe he will grow out of his issues or they won't be as significant as he gets older (I dealt with my own texture problems and motor skill problems).

Also, how did this happen? Did I hand him down some crappy genes, as I have had some of these problems myself. And is this because I am a bad parent? Shouldn't I be able to handle all this myself. Shouldn't my MA in child studies and my almost finished PhD in education made me see these problems earlier? Shouldn't my background enable me to help him, without a bunch of interventions?

I am just going to suck it all up. Follow the steps and get my son the help he needs. I am happy he is getting help he needs and someone listened. But, I am also confused and baffled. And sad, I want his life to be smoother, an average kid. With my motor problems, lack of social skills and big brain, I had trouble making friends and fitting in. I wanted better for him. Maybe the help will help us find a better spot. I am just sad we have to go there.

PSVT driving me crazy

2008-07-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

PSVT is driving me crazy. Yesterday, for no reason my heart started beating at 144 just getting up getting Robbie a snack, about 45 minutes to get it back to normal. And the rest of the night was spent on the couch. This morning was normal until 10:00 another 45 minute attack, hovering between 135-142 just sitting up doing nothing. I never know what to do, wait it out, call an ambulance. I can not wait until my appointment next week, I need medicine for this. Something in my heart is sending a very mixed up message. And let me say last night it was a challenge to look after Robbie during the episode. I also couldn't play with him, which makes me feel guilty.

New Residents at my house

2008-07-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I have a whole groundhog family, including babies living on my property. That is fine, we feed them and they can take care of themselves quite well. Well, now we have new residents. Ones I am concerned for. A mommy cat and her 4 kittens are living under our shed (The picture above is of them, but they are too scared to get a good picture). The kittens are only about 3 or 4 weeks old. We are feeding them. We don't dare bring them in, I can't bring them in here, there is no private room where my cats can't access them, besides Robbie's room. We thought of the local animal shelter, but they are a kill shelter, that is currently overrun with cats and is putting most of them down. It is warm and nice out, we are feeding them, and then plan to give them away when they are a few weeks older. We can't keep them as we already have 4 very old cats. I hope I am doing the right thing by feeding them and letting them stay where they are for now. I have sent out 80 emails to local friends hoping to find a home. Any advice from fellow bloggers? How would you handle this?

Another ER Trip

2008-07-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

I spent the morning in the ER yesterday. I was up the night before with all sorts of weird symptoms. I had pressure in my chest, I was nervous, nauseous, gassy, and my limbs were weak. I kept checking my heart and it was beating normal, usually I would be having a PSVT episode with these symptoms. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. No such luck. In the morning I went to the ER. The dr. told me I probably had an episode in my sleep and was experiencing the aftermath. He said when my dr. puts me on meds this won't happen. The end of the month and my appointment can't come fast enough. Then I will have something to help, and maybe I will get up the nerve to ask for the referral for the procedure to fix it. I can't live like this. It is disruptive and nerve wracking. I was so torn in the middle of the night, do I get up and ask to go to the hospital and disrupt the whole family or do I wait it out. Yesterday, Karen was supposed to work overtime and couldn't cause she was sitting in the waiting room worrying about me. I want my life back.

Another Fun Summer Day

2008-07-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Not much time to blog these days. Too busy enjoying summer. I will have something to say soon, when the sun hides. For now here are some pictures from todays outing with Robbie's best friend!

First Day in the Wading Pool

2008-07-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

The weather has been crappy until a few days ago! So, we have had Robbie's pool sittng in our kitchen waiting to be used. Today, the sun is shining adn we brought it out and my best friends son came over. The two of them had a ball in the pool. So, did Mommy dipping her feet in! Next, time I think I will hop right in!

Trying to forget TTC

2008-07-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't been ttc, I have trying to ignore my cycle. I don't even remember my LMP. I am trying to move forward and spend the summer enjoying my family and the fall working on expanding it through adoption. But, I can't ignore the signals my body is giving me. I have such big time signs of ovulation. I hate it. When I was ttc Robbie my body wouldn't do it on my own. Now, that I can't ttc here comes the perfect cycles. Someone up there is having a joke on me. Not funny.

Just Family Fun

2008-07-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have nothing exciting to blog about, nothing big good or bad happened. We just had a nice family weekend. Went to my friends, baby's first birthday party, at the beach Saturday. Robbie had a ball in and out of the water. Today, we went to the ocean and the playground. Robbie fell in the ocean and got soaked to the skin. These are the kind of things I looked forward to, in the hard years of ttc. And now they are a wonderful reality. Here are some pictures from the weekend.

Why do I do it?

2008-07-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have heard of people who stop eating when they are full. They turn away yummy food because they had enough. I wish I got it. Twice today, I have ate when I was not hungry. I am sitting here right now with a empty cake plate. I had a big piece of cake after supper, even though I was full. Why do I do it? I am throwing out that cake tomorrow.

I knew it would happen

2008-07-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

I have tried to raise my son with no clear cut gender roles or rules. He can play with whatever toy he wants, have whatever sheets he wants, and wear whatever clothes he wants (with in reason, he can have girls socks outside of the house, but nighties at home, as I know people are judgemental, especially to lesbians raising boys). The only difference we have told him is the boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. The result was a toddler and preschooler who loves to play with plastic food, playdough, spiderman, dolls and cars. He loves his Dora sheets with Barney pillow cases. He loves his superhero t-shirts and wears and nightie instead of pjs. But, I knew it wouldn't last and the real world would seep in. When he plays with Sadie she is always the princess, his role is ever changing, but never the princess, because he says girls are princesses. He just gave me one his stickers yesterday because it was pink and told me pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Sigh. But, he hasn't morphed into a full fledged macho man. He still loves his plastic food, and chooses the toys at McDonald's based on which one looks fun. But, instead of just saying "I want toy A or B". He know says "Give me the girl toy or the boy toy". Hopefully, I have given him the building blocks, to keep an open mind on what is "girl" and "boy" and continue to enjoy whatever he likes and not feel confined to what is "boy".

Feeling Better

2008-07-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my downer post. It is just things have been so busy around here. Karen has been working overtime and doing house repairs and I have been doing all the childcare. I felt a little burned out and not noticed by DW. And when you are always with your child, there is no place to bitch and whine, so I did it here. Thanks for listening. My Mom took Robbie and I out for Supper tonight (DW is working). You can always count on your Mom to make you feel special on your birthday. I am very lucky to have her! To lighten things up here is a picture of my one year birthday!

Feeling Unappreciated by my Family

2008-07-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

I know birthday's at my old age are not a big deal. But, I at least expect some love from my family. We had a celebration Sunday, DW and DS argued with each other and me. Robbie tried to destroy my cake. I thought maybe this morning would be better (my real birthday). DW wipper snipped and DS pooped on the floor (for me to clean). DW, use to make me feel special, I don't expect diamonds or a party. Just some words or time. Sorry to be down.

Playtime at Dreamland

2008-07-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

We drove out to the country today, with my best friend and her son. We went to a really cool playground called Dreamland. The boys had so much fun. Karen got lots of exercise too, chasing them!

Science Annoys Me!

2008-07-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

I was watching "The View" yesterday, that what happens when you are home all day. They were talking about the "Gay" Genetic link. They say researchers have been studying brain structures of humans. Here is the amazing discovery. Gay men and straight women's brains look alike, as do lesbians and straight men. How stupid. I for one, know I am nothing like a straight man. I am a girly girl. I ask for directions, I despise sports, hate the taste of beer and am not visually stimulated (porn just confuses me). The only way I am like a man is I hate relationship talk, you know when your DP/DW says "honey we need to talk about communication". Well then I would rather watch TV.
And where do they find all these 100% gay and straight women. I believe sexuality is a continuum. Everyone falls somewhere in between, you know 80/20, 78/22, etc... How do those brain look? I identify as lesbian and find women much more attractive than men. But, I find the occasional man attractive and once was in a loving relationship with a man (although the bedroom was a bore). I would never rule anything 100% out. I have a friend who identifies as straight, an has a couple times been with a girl. She says "I am straight, but who doesn't like boobs?"
I think sexuality has lot of grey areas and that makes people uncomfortable. People need to believe people are either gay or straight and that they are that way from birth. That makes it easier for straight identified people to accept. And that makes gay people feel justified in being who they are. I personally don't care why people love who they love, my own intuition says it is probably a mingling of nature and life experiences. But, it doesn't matter. People just love who they love. Let's just celebrate who we are and leave science out of it. Maybe researchers could look for a discrimination gene and we could eradicate that.

New kid has 2 Daddies!

2008-07-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Robbie is a little sponge. And he has been listening to us talking about adoption. He has asked a ton of questions. He has asked when, boy or girl, will it be a baby? I have told him probably not until next year and it will not be a baby, a big boy like him. I asked him if he is willing to share Mom and Mommy, he says he is. But he tells me we will not be their Mom and Mommy. What will we be I ask? His answer "You guys will be his Daddy and Papa!"

A perfect Day at the Park!

2008-07-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Special Friends

2008-06-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Robbie had trouble until recently playing with children his own age. So, much we were worried he would need professional help. He only played with babies at playgroup. Then one magical day in March he met Sadie, who was a only a few months younger than him. It was an instant connection. Playgroup didn't mean anything unless she was there. He used to say I was the prettiest girl he knew, not anymore it is Sadie. He talks about her day and night. Today, this photo was taken on a playdate at our house, after 2 weeks apart. Don't they look happy?

Reunion Update

2008-06-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

It was about as good as high school. And DW let Robbie pee in the grass and he got pee all over his pants, and would tell anyone who would listen all about it.

20th Reunion Picinic

2008-06-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

I am on my way to my 20th high school reunion picnic. My best friend keeps correcting me that it is my 10th, so we don't feel so old. I am feeling ambivalent about it. I didn't have many friends in high school. I was in the punk rock world, so I certainly wasn't in with "In Crowd", nor did I want to be. I had a few friends in my graduating class. Most of them I know as acquaintances and stop to chat with if I see them on the street. My dearest friend from my graduating class, Dave, has been dead for a few years. My best friend didn't go to my school, and we are still best friends. Anyone from my graduating class I will see at my reunion are just old acquaintances or strangers. I decided to forgo the big activities (wine & cheese, dinner & dance, & breakfast). Instead I opted for the family picnic. I can gawk at some people and see how they aged, and Robbie can play. I am not sure if I will have fun or not, but no expectations. I will update later. But, in honor of the day here are some pictures of me in High School.

I am about 16 in this Picture
This is me and my good friend Katie and her then boyfriend Vance (Who did graduate with me, but hates reunions). We used to hug and pretend to be lesbians to tease Vance. Okay, we both are now lesbians, funny joke!
Me and My Prom date!

Groundhog

2008-06-27T07:46:00.001-07:00

It started with one Groundhog, in the backyard of our new home. After almost 2 months of being fed by Karen, a baby appeared too. Now, we have a whole family 2 full grown groundhogs and 2 babies. The babies are super tame and come out to the window. Here is a picture of the Mama and one of the babies!

More of Boy Wonder

2008-06-27T07:43:00.001-07:00

A few more picture from Early summer. One with Robbie and Karen doing yard work, the rest are taken at Robbie's end of year Playgroup party.

Stupid Heart

2008-06-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

My stupid heart won't co-operate with me, like the rest of my body. Monday-Wednesday I had a 48 monitor hooked up to me, and I don't think anything significant happened, except for a lot itching from the tape. I went to bed last night and woke-up 3 times out of dead sleep with my heart racing. Now, that I am up, my heart is still going fast, not bad enough to go to the dr, but it is hovering at 115, while I sit her typing. Why didn't it do this during the test? Of course it waits, argh! I really am resenting this problem. This is stopping me from traveling this summer (we have no a/c in the car and heat makes it worse), makes me scared to walk to the park with Robbie myself, and it is the reason I can't ttc. I am really thinking I have to get my courage together and have the procedure, so I can move on and have a normal life. I don't need to worry about giving my son a piggyback!

4 Year Old Blackmail!

2008-06-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Robbie is having a huge fit last night. I don't remember over what. I take things away from him. He laughs the evil villian laugh and gets a chair and gets things back. Finally, in pull my hair out frustration, I put toys on my front deck! He is so mad. He informs me he is calling the police on me, to get his toys back. He tries but doesn't know their number. He then lays on the floor screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME!" My windows are open and everyone walking by looks in, to see what is happening to my poor child. I didn't give in. Who knew my toughest negotiater would be a child.

So, What's new?

2008-06-26T17:01:00.001-07:00

So, what's new in the last 2 years?
How about a list?
1. I became a supply teacher.
2. We ttc#2 last year for about 5 months, all BFNs. We stopped in November because the weather was to bad to travel to the clinic and our money was running out.
3. We joined a playgroup and Robbie has blossomed and I am finally starting to feel part of the community.
4. We bought our first house. It is small cute, yellow and it is ours. Robbie is free to be himself and run around like a normal 4 year old. We have a family of groundhogs in our backyard. I feel like I am finally giving him the childhood he deserves.
5. I have an electircal heart problem. Found out the hard way, a trip to the ER to stop and restart my heart. I will probably have a procedure to fix it in the next year.
6. We have decided to try to adopt a child between the ages of 2-5. TTC is out until my heart is fixed and I just don't want to throw money up my you know where for nothing. We start our training in the fall. I just hope I can give a child the family they deserve, and give Robbie the sibling he wants.

Catherine

2008-06-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have been gone almost 2 years. I locked myself out of my own blog. So, to start things off here are some recent family pictures.

Mom & Mommy's Shoes

2006-08-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Here is Robbie engaged in his favorite activity, wearing our shoes.

Robbie at Playground

2006-05-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

Still here

2006-05-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am still here. We moved to hometown of Saint John, New Brunswick. I am on sick benefits, my head has been numb on the left side for 8 weeks and the computer bothers me if I am on to long. So, I haven't posted. I am getting tests and meeting with a neurologist soon. SO, hopefully I will blog soon. I was going to post pictures of my Big boy who is now Two! (but blogger is not lettting me/

Robbies Birthday: What it means

2006-03-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: April 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.
You're good at so much - you never know what to do.
Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.
You are destined for a life of travel and fun.

Your strength: Your likeability

Your weakness: You never feel satisfied

Your power color: Bright yellow

Your power symbol: Asterisk

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What my Birthday means: Sounds nothing like me!

2006-03-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: July 8

Watch out Donald Trump! You've got a head for business and money.
You'll make it rich some day, even if you haven't figured out how yet.
A supreme individualist, you shouldn't get stuck in a corporate job.
Instead, make your own way - so that you can be the boss.

Your strength: Your undying determination

Your weakness: You require an opulent lifestyle

Your power color: Plum

Your power symbol: Dollar sign

Your power month: August

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Photo Friday: Baby ME!

2006-03-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

Wow, I never got to particpate in Photo Friday, because I do not have a digital Camera. But, this week theme of our own baby pictures was easy because they were on my desktop. Anyhow, me at 8 or 9 months in the tub.

The cutest thing!

2006-03-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

Time to brag about the boy. Now, when he is done eating or does not want something I offer him. He looks at me and smiles and says, "No, thank you!". Can you see me melting? Almost makes up for the head banging.

Blog name change

2006-03-06T05:22:00.000-08:00

Well my blog name has changed from 5 cats..... to 4 cats... We gave one of our cats away and it was one of my favorites. We do not normally do these kinds of things but, 2 things prompted it, the move and her best interests. We are moving to a new apartment that is much smaller and the Super thinks we have 1 dog and 1 cat. So, we decided we should give a cat away and we decided it would be Cleo. Cleo is a silver Tabby Persian. She never grew she is about 5 pounds and mostly fur. The problem is she needs to be brushed daily and is a really baby and need attention every second that she is awake. She wants to always be on you and constantly stroked. This was a hard task to accomplish before Robbie came, in an busy multi prt household but, with a baby almost impossible. The poor cat was becoming matted and lonely. So, we know from experience, that when we are away she always bonds with her sitter. So we knew she would be happy else where. We started asking around and Karen Mom's wanted her.
WARNING MIL VENT AHEAD. Karen's mom phones me last week and tells me how much she loves Cleo and would love to have her. I am about to tell her I will consider it when she says. " I just have one condition I want to have her declawed, because I do not want her to ruin my bedroom set" WTF. In my head I think, "You can't love her too much apparently you love your bedroom set more". Instead I calmly say, " I am sorry the answer is no, declawing is against my beliefs" . Then fill in MIL trying to make me feel guilty and naming nice people who have done this. I say "I have researched this and it is like an amputation, cutting of the tips on ones fingers, many vets will not do it and they can get arthritis in later life". MIL adds more guilt and I say, "Listen, I am not saying you or your sister (who just had cat declawed) are bad people, it just means a lot to me, when Karen and I were about to move in together she said she would only move in if I had my 3 cats declawed, and I said, I guess you are not moving in, of course she changed her mind(now she is against it too). Then I put Grandson on the phone to distract MIL, and it works. Karen, calls her Mom later and says "Mom, if you want a Cat why not take Princess (one of our Cats that lived with Karen before she lived with me and who her mother forced her too have declawed years ago)." Guess, what MIL does not want Princess because Princess is old, fat, cranky, with a weak bladder (personally I think they are long lost twins) because she wants something cute and little. ARGH! I won't criticize it speaks for itself.
Flash forward to Saturday, we get a call from the people that took our shit tzu (we had to give her up because she kept trying to bite Robbie). These people are great there who house is set up for the comfort of their dogs and cats and the yard is fenced in for the dogs to play. We tell them what is going on and they say they want her and her claws will stay. They want her then and there and are at our house within a half hour to pick her up. I was sad when they were on there way. I picked up Cleo and she curls into me like a newborn and purrs. Then later that night they call they love her, our old dog Angel was thrilled to see her and they are sending her to the groomer next week. I know I made the right decision!

Open Minded Quiz

2006-03-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

You Are 64% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

The Cool Fat Girls Club, I have been kicked out

2006-03-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, fellow bloggers I am back, for all two of you that I have left. My major problem with blogging is my home computer is not loading my blog. It loads all the other blogs I read, but not my mine. So, I had to wait until I was back at work to blog. So, for the next few weeks, as I finish work. I will be blogging.

Okay the reason I am writing is I realize I have been kicked out of the Cool Fat Girls Club again. See, I am currently not fat, this happens periodically to me. I lose weight without trying and I gain it back eventually. Since I have spent more of my adult life being fat, than thin. I identify as fat. And when I am fat, I am actually proud and confident, of course I am happy thin also. This fat pride took a long time. In my teens and early twenties I unsuccessfully dieted a lot. Then at 25 I accepted that I was fat and beautiful, the fact that cool, diva, sexy fat cool clothes were being sold in my town, helped the attitude change. Then around this time I became vegan and lost 50 pounds, found dairy again and gained 60. At this point I was fine with the weight gain, I had fat heroines. My best friend introduced me to the world of BBWs, and not to mention she is the prettiest girl I have ever known and has always been fat. Them my first girlfriend (the one that will be on Kink) was a totally sexy, yummy girl who wore belly shirts tons of cleavages and was hot. These two wonderful women showed me that my fat body was beautiful, plus were shining examples of how to live as a BBW. Then I had stomach problems lost 30 pounds. Got pregnant and felt gross and lost 7 pounds. Gained 23 pregnant pounds. Had the baby, then a bad gallbladder and a super heavy nursing boy caused me to lose about 60 pounds. Even after the gallbladder came out I was able to eat like 4 donuts and maintain my weight, I mean boobie boy was helping me burn calories. Then boobie boy starts loving his solids and I continue to eat the same and gain 15 pounds. Flash forward to Christmas, 6 weeks of stomach problems followed by a week of the stomach flu, cause me to lose 20 pounds.
So, hear I sit 136 pounds, smaller than the average North American woman (who weighs 145). And I still thing of myself as a fat girl and carry that attitude. But, I notice that other fat girls do not see me as fatty. For, instance my best friend and I have a hobby, that is called make fun of our partners short comings, it is very fun past time, and can be very therapeutic. We make fun of her boyfriend conversations skills, which are lacking. And we have always made fun of Karen's eating habits, because she like her mother, can eat her away from one end of a buffet to another. We have always found this funny, and complained that even though Karen is fat, we could never eat the same amount as her without being double or triple her weightor without spending all night on the toliet. But, guess what my best friend (who I love dearly) does not find these jokes a funny. You know why? Because I am a non-fatty making fun of fatty. And when she pointed it out to me I was stunned, I still thought of myself as a fatty. I guess my membership in the club is temporarily suspended. I guess, until I get fat again ( and I am alaways one Carmilk bar a way from being fat), I will have to instead make fun of Karen's pronunciation.

Update on Us

2006-02-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Well, thinks are starting to get better around here, but someday's it is one step forward 2 steps backward. Last Thursday, I went back to work and was starting to feel better. Well, that night Robbie woke up sick, he got a stomach bug, a 2 ender and by Saturday I had it too. Thank God Karen did not get it, something to be said for her stomach of steel. Well, Robbie and I seem to have recovered from it and are back to going about our business again. All in all it has been a hard winter, but we are so much fortunate than others who have had it much harder.
We, are starting to get ready for our April Move. Karen is packing boxes. And we are starting to get rid of stuff, some of it being Robbies baby stuff. It is amazing how fast they grow out of that stuff. We have decided we will keep a few special things and sell the rest, because we are pretty sure we won't be having others. After being sick all winter, I just want to get healthy and enjoy the wonderful family I have, not add to it and maybe give myself more health problems. We are also deciding if we are going to take the apartment beside Mom. It is a little small, but it is in our price range and we can bring the pets.
Robbie is growing by leaps and bounds and saying words and phrases we never taught him. He is an amazing littel sponge. He knows most of his letters, numbers, and colours now. And has words for most objects. He also loves to hide things on us all the time. Every find a sippy cup full of milk that is 2 days old? Yuck is the only word to describe it.
On a side note. Do you ever wonder who all these people are who are bringing suitcases on wheels to work? It is very popular at the university I work at. I mean do you have so much work to take home, that a shoulder bag will not handle it? In protest I bring only a purse to work.

Getting Better

2006-01-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I am 75% better. I am still having minor gastro problems, but I have added some foods back to my diet and have much more energy. Preliminary tests show nothing yet. I still have a few more to go. I am starting to believe this was just a really weird virus.
We are at my Mom's right now, because I had a job interview (fingers crossed). It is nice to be home for a good reason. Robbie is having a ball her, he loves is grandma, he wakes up every morning asking for her. And he had a ball with my best friends son too. We will be moving back here in a few months, it is good to know he likes it so much.

Still Sick: Getting Testing

2006-01-12T09:56:00.000-08:00

I have now been sick since December 18th, at first they thought, it was an allergy, (testing ruled that out), a virus, depression, none of these are the case.Now they think it is my esophagus. The problem is shortly after I eat most foods my throat feels full and like it is closing, I feel like I can't swallow and need to burp. That is the worst part of it. Now, I wake in the morning nauseous and super tired. Have some boost. Then by lunch I am usually hungry and have a small meal. Then I nap with Robbie. Then I have a small supper and usually my throat fills up again and I am exhausted. On a good night I can give Robbie a bath and play with him, on a bad night, no bath and I watch him play. Since this started Robbie has wanted to nurse non-stop and that is taking some energy. So, I am trying to cut him back to morning, nap and night. I have lost 12 pounds. I had a barium x-ray on Monday and on Wednesday, I have a gastroscopy. So, hopefully next week, I will have some answers. I am really sick of being sick and would like to enjoy my son more.

I'm still here

2006-01-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

I am still around. I had a rough holiday. Besides being sick (I am still a little sick) all of it, my favorite Aunt and one of my favorite people in the whole world passed away on the 26th. We all had to fly home for the services and stuff and I am not dealing with this all very well. I even thought of starting an antidepressant, I took one effexor and that was it, never again. I took in the early morning and was still wide awake at 5:00 am and Robbie (it is suppossed to be safe for nursing babies) was up and down all that night and couldn't stay asleep. So, I am going to just take the healing process slowly on my own. I am reading blogs and groups (and that actually helps), just not responding much. So, I am keeping a low profile for now.

Feeling a little better.

2005-12-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I am starting to feel a little better. And I am going to see an Allegist in January, to try and figure out what food had me reeling on the floor shaking and too dizzy to lift my head for an hour and half. Now, I just have to heal mentally. It had brought back my panic attacks, just when I think I have them beat something happens. For now I am only eating food I am familiar with this should help me somewhat and make me stop worrying about what if it happens again and I am alone with the baby or worse driving.

Well, the hoilidays are here and beside being a little anxious, I am a little down. This the first year we have not gone home to be with my Mom. I am going to miss her and I hate the thought of her visiting my Aunt in the nursing home alone on Christmas day. But, I have a job interview at home in January, so Robbie and I will get to spend a few days with her soon enough.

I am grateful that I have Robbie and Karen to spend the holidays with. And that I have a great family and friends both near and far and that is what is important. I hope anyone reading this has a good holiday.

SO SICK!

2005-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

I am currently recovering for a bad food reaction (horrible involved almost passing out and laying on the floor shaking for an hour and half) and a stomach virus. No blogging for awhile.

My ex-girlfriend and lack of sleep

2005-12-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well occasionally, I check my ex-girlfriends blog. I hadn't in a few months because well it is basically full of a lot of sex, and until recently I had been going through a dry spell. Plus, it is sometimes hard to hear about an ex's sex life, and believe me she has sex more than anyone I know. But, I like to read it once in awhile because she lives far away and I miss her. She was my first girlfriend we went out for 6 months broke-up for awhile, got back together for another 6 months and broke-up again. She is really fun, can make me laugh and taught me how to really love myself for who I am. We never did work out because she likes open relationships (with men and women) and I wanted to settle down and have a family. So, we both got what we wanted and are enjoying the lives we have. Now, I read her blog yesterday and found out she is going to be on the next season of "Kink". For those not Canadian that is a a reality show on the Showcase network, which documents those involved in a well Kinky lifestyle, it mixes clips of their "activities" with interviews about their lifestyle. So, I guess I will watch it, I am sure it will a surreal experience, especially watching it with Karen. Oh, my God I hope my Mother does not see it, that would be too much for her, but lucky she does not usually watch Showcase, because she call it the naked station. This makes me think my best friend and I have a theory that all our exs should move to a deserted Island where they build statues of us to worship and think about how much better life would be with us. Well, seeing your ex on TV doing r-rated things blows that theory away.

On another note Robbie had 3 nights of great sleep, falling asleep unassisted 80% of the time. Well, last night he was up 5 times and needed my help. I should not brag when things go well!

Sleep success of sorts

2005-12-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am so thrilled, I just had to post. Robbie and I are having some sleep success. The other night he woke up at 4 and Karen changed his diaper and laid him back beside me. Well, I had planned on rubbing his back or nursing him, but before I had a chance to he rolled around a little and fell asleep on his own! ON HIS OWN! So, last night when he woke at 4 we did the same routine (diaper, lay beside me) and he fell asleep on his own again! When he awoke at 6 I ignored him and he fell asleep on his for a second time. During the whole night, last night, I only had to help him fall back asleep once! Wow! I hope this continues. It makes such a difference for me physically and mentally. Now, if only he could fall asleep and the beginning of the night and for nap on his own. But, I will not be greedy and just be happy for this!

I'm cutting back

2005-12-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in awhile. And it is because last week I discovered I have a problem. I am addicted to blogs, and internet groups. Recently there has been a lot of drama going on my internet groups and some spilling over to people's blogs. And not only have I found myself getting involved in this, stating my thoughts and opinions on whatever controversy is at hand, I was thinking about it a lot, signing on the internet multiple times a day; when Robbie is napping and as soon as he went to sleep & first thing in the morning. I was thinking about it and talking about it with my real friends when not online. Then all of sudden I was actually feeling hurt and disillusioned by one debate, it hit a little close to home. At this point I sat down and said to myself, why am I so embroiled and invested in the lives of faceless strangers. I have real friends. I could really use my spare time to make phone calls to them and catch-up. I have made a handful of good online friends and I am glad. But, these online friends should not be my existence, I feel it is time to go back to my own life and be fully present in it.
Now, I am not going cold turkey. I am not quitting groups or stopping blogging and I am still reading blogs. I am just cutting back. So, I will not blog as often, or post as often. But, I am still here. I am just busy reassessing my life and trying to be a better real life friend, partner and Mommy.

Wish I was a stay at home mommy

2005-12-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

Sigh, right now I miss my boy so much. I am at work and I will see him in an hour and 15 minutes, but that seems so far away and the day has been long. Today, is one of those days I wish I was a stay at home Mommy. At the end of January, I will be for a few months. My job is ending and we will be moving at the end of March. But once we have moved I will have to find a full-time job. The truth is we can not afford it right now to have one of us at home. And if we ever can have one us at home it will be Karen, because I have the training to make much more money. And I don't know if I were at home, if I would miss the adult intellectual stimulation. It is pointless to wonder because unless I win the loto it is not happening.
I am sitting here and I have my desktop set up to a slide show of Robbie pictures, maybe I shouldn't do that, maybe that makes it harder. I feel like I am missing stuff and I know he is missing me. Just needed to vent.

Personality quiz

2005-12-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Casey for this quiz. I find this funny and true. And it is funny because I live with a noisy toddler and a wife who never shuts up.

Catherine

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

The election again

2005-12-06T13:19:00.000-08:00

Well, the homophobic conservative party is offering lots of goodies if they win; a reduction on GST (sales tax) and $1200 for each child under 6. This seems to make people forget they are trying to over turn the gay marriage law, if they even care. In a yahoo group I belong to, comprised of punk rockers from my home province, they are debating the election. Talking about if it is good to have it in the winter and talking about the reduced GST. What the hell? They are talking like the gay marriage doesn't even exist. Granted I am the only gay person in this group. But, I am disturbed to see how far away the issue is from the straight folk, especially such a usually political group. And I wonder would I be like them if it was a different issue, say less rights for the disabled, less rights for immigrants. I hope I would be worried about it and not excited about false promises of tax cuts.

In a bad mood

2005-12-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

I have been in a bad mood for the past 24 hours. It started yesterday, our friends came over with their daughter who I thought was recovering from larengetsis, but it was the croup (this was all a english/french translation misunderstanding). I scrubbed everything down after they left. Fingers crossed Robbie does not get it, because with previous respiratory problems this would be hard on him. Then Karen and Robbie had breakfast in my office, I didn't want them to come. I was under a big deadline this morning and Karen is slow in the morning and made me late. And as much as I adore my son, a toddler running around my office causing mayhem is a distraction. SO, Karen and I argued bigtime at my office, in the middle of this one of my bosses grad students came in and used the printer, she isn't supposed to but ordinarily it was not a big deal, but I was trying to print out important deadline documents for my boss. And so I snapped at her too. The problem with Karen and I, is we work opposite schedules and only get to see each other on weekends, and weekends we try to play catch with the house, bill and friends. So, we are not communicating and end up getting angry, which in the long run is more time consuming, then just finding time to talk things out. Know that my deadline has passed. I feel guilty for being so Cranky with everyone. I wish Karen and I could spend the day together, but she works when I get home. And next weekend is busy, birthday dinner for her mom on Saturday and Lesbian Mom's Christmas Party on Sunday. TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY!

He's polite!

2005-12-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

I brought Robbie in some fish crackers last night. And I said, " Fishy for Robbie" as I handed it to him. He looked at me and said "Tank you". Aw, melt my heart. He has never said it before with out prompting. I am so proud.

Big Fat Bloody lip

2005-12-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

My son is like me he learns the hard way. My mom told me when I was little not to touch the Iron it was hot and would hurt. What did I do, I touched it and got burnt. Never did again.
Now, my son last night was sitting in his plastic toddler chair. He slip his legs in the hole under the arm rest. I say "don't do that Robbie you will hurt yourself". He ignores me and leans forward and fall face first on the floor before I can get across the room. He screams. I run to get him, assuming he is okay, because our floor has those foam puzzle pieces. He looks up at me with blood all over his face, he looks like a vampire with a fresh kill. I wipe him off and examine him. His teeth went into the back of his lip inside his mouth. So, he has puncture marks inside his mouth and on the outside it is purple and swollen. I have to get a picture of this. He is only 19 months and he has had one flat lip and previously a black eye. I hope he has learned from this.

People at work annoy me!

2005-12-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Lately people at work have been driving me mad. Except my boss I love her. The tech people yelled at me last week for my bosses last minute scheduling. Then when they see her they are sweet as pie. Now, her new TA is too busy to prepare for her course and I am doing, I don't mind I have been doing this stuff and well for 6 years. I told her no problems, just drop off the book. Well, she sent me a nasty email about me infringing on her time. Oh, my god again she take this up with my boss, who wanted her to help, not me who said I need no help. I am beginning to fell like a clerk at Wal-mart with angry customers blaming me. It is not my job to be bitched at because your scared to bitch at the boss. And she does find out, I let her know, so save the time and go to the source. I have decided to not take it anymore. I am cutting people off right away and telling them to take it up with her, not me, it is not worth my time and energy. And really my boss wants to know what is on their minds. Argh!

Stupid Canadian Election

2005-11-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

I am pretty laid back about politics. It is the Canadian way to be. And the NDP party, who is the party I vote for never gets more than a handful of seats in federal elections (they have won a few isolated provincial elections). Federal politics bounces back and forth between the liberals and the conservative. When one party fucks up the other one is voted in next time. The only thing the liberal party ever did that was good was vote in gay marriage. Now, after Robbie watched Sesame Street Monday, I flipped on the news and there was the house of commons voting that they had no confidence in the current liberal party goverment. Forcing the prime minister into a election. I thought hmm, that is pretty interesting and historic considering how laid back Canadians are about politics. Fast forward to last night, I am watching the news and they are showing speeches from party leaders. The conservative part leader (who is a shoe in to get elected considering the nonconfidence vote) is saying he wants to revoke the same-sex marriage law, he wants to put it before the house for a vote. What the fuck! If the house ends up being mostly conservative we know it will get voted out. He did say that all same-sex marriages that have occured will be left alone and considered valid. Thanks a lot homophobic asshole. This means Karen and I would still be considered married, but how long before they try to change that. And what about my friends who have not found the right life partner, will they be denied the right to marriage? People laughed at how quick Karen and I got married when the law came into effect. Our first wedding was set for when I was 37 weeks pregnant, Robbie came early and we quickly rescheduled to when he was 6 weeks old. We were worried the law would change.
My big problem is who do I vote for. I am a staunch NDP supporter they support gay marriage and are on the fringes of socialism. They are great party who want to help all minorities. But, usually they do not stand a chance of winning. Would I be throwing away my vote? Should I vote liberal, even though I do not think they are the right party, just so it is a vote against the conservatives. I feel that voting liberal is the only real way to protect gay marriage. And if the conservatives get in who know how many human rights we will lose. Wow, who thought this Canadian would expend so much energy thinking about federal politics.

I have been mistaken for straight again

2005-11-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

I am always getting mistaken for Straight. It seems to never happen to my wife Karen. I guess she follows the "rules"; she has the right haircut, clothes, walks the walk, where her pride colours necklace, drinks beer on occassion and plays pool. I get hit on by guys regularly. I am always having to correct people at work who do not know me well, that my partner is a woman. I remeber I was a teaching assistant for a graduate class at the end of my pregnancy and remember discussing gay issues in elementary school with a group. And they of course said homophobic things and looked to be with my belly full of my gay conception looking for approval. They were shocked to find out I was gay and having a baby with a woman. Then I got that "You don't look gay/lesbian" from them. I get that a lot people seem to think it is a compliment. I have long blonde hair blue eyes and dress and am pretty girly. I look like a poster child for white middle-class heterosexual privellege (I am not middle class either), especially now with my little blonde son. I have tried on the role of outward lesbian appearance when I first came out and I did not like it, it was not me. I think it is great that some lesbians can throw gender roles out the window and look the way they want, I think they are beautiful, it is just not me.
Today, I found a blog through a link on another lesbian mom's blog. This lesbian woman is going through horrible infertiliy pain, she is having a hard time getting pregnant. When I read her blog I was filled with emotion, so sad for her and at the same time remembering my own infertility pain. I don't ovulate on my own, so it took me awhile to find this out, get the right treatment, and have that treatment finally work. It was a long painful process. I wrote to this women and told her I understood and hoped she got her miracle and how I conceived Robbie when I was ready to give up. She wrote me back saying they would not be getting pregnant by accident they were lesbians. Maybe it was the word miracle or maybe it was the fact I said I was ready to give-up when I found myself pregnant, maybe this is how a straight women would word it. Or maybe it is the picture of girly me and my son attached to any comments I make. Or maybe both. I feel bad this woman misunderstood me and I hope with all my heart she does get pregnant.
Although it is getting tiresome being mistaken for straight. Maybe I should dig out my rainbow necklace and find some nice lesbian quote to end emails with. Oh well, at least I was not mistaken for a drag queen again.

The inmates have taken over the asylum

2005-11-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have 5 cats, 4 too many probably. Anyway, three of them sleep in a large room with food water and bedding, but the door is closed. This is because inamate 1 and 2 (Cassie and Cleo) have a need to wreck the flooring in the living room when we are not around, and we can not afford to replace it. Inmate #3 (gemini) is in their for her own protection because the big bully cat Princess (ironic isn't it) terrorizes her constantly when we are not there. Anyhow, I awoke the other morning to find these 3 cats strolling around the house, I thought did we not close the door? What happened the next night, the same thing. They can open the door! Why am I not suprised. It is funny all day the expect me to open doors, closets, cans, and clean up after them, when apparently they are quite capable of all of it. I am sure they make themselves sandwiches and make phone calls when we are out. Most things they just get us to do because they love to waited on. So, Karen has put a lock on the door. I am sure this will slow them down for a little bit. And we can buy some time before they completly take over. So, if you don't hear from me for a few days or you start seeing emails from me making demands for catnip or small rodents. Beware the cats have taken over the house, send help.

We went to See Santa

2005-11-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

Karen had today off work so we went to the mall to see Santa. The resulting photo is posted, and you may note I am in it also, because Robbie is scared of the big red man this year. We sat him on his knee and he cried, he wouldn't even let me sit next to him. The best we could do was stand beside him, while Robbie glared at him in disapproval. Better luck next year Santa.

Book Launch

2005-11-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

I have been recently published twice, I have a 2 chapters in edited books one very academic book

Just who do we think we are? Methodologies for self study in education

and one academic but a little more main stream & fun

Not Just Any Dress: Narratives of Memory, Body and Identity

Last night my bosses (the editors of both books) held a book launch for, Just who do we think we are, and Robbie and I both went. Robbie had a ball and stuffed himself with cheese and crackers and garlic dip and basked in the compliments and attention (so much attention, you would swear he was an author). He was nice enough to have a nap minutes before they called authors up, to do a short reading from their chapters. I got a chance to read a few paragraphs and it was so much fun. I love reading to the group and I loved what I had written. It made me realize I really miss my academic life, I miss writing, I miss speaking to conferences and classes and making research discoveries. I really have to get my act together and save up enough money to finish my PHD because it would be a waste to lose out on something I love so much. It was also nice to see people I hadn't seen in a long while. And nice, that people asked me to sign my chapter. I don't usually brag about myself, but I had to, last night was just special. The only thing missing was Karen (she had to work), although she always finds these academic gatherings boring and tedious anyway.