Update

To say life has been busy would be a understatement. I have been working non-stop on the new website and its launch party, taking Robbie to his new group and filling out paperwork.

To go back a little, the adoption information was very informative. And they were very positive about finding forever homes for kids. We were the only same-sex family there, such is life in a small community. We left thinking we couldn't adopt because Robbie's room is to small. We went home and got the real estate plans out and it is just right, about 14 inch's over the limit. We also came home with a load of paperwork. We needed a police check, medical form, 3 references, birth, divorce, marriage certificate, adoption application, Marriage questionnaire, self-questionnaire, child-behavoiur questionnaire, autobiography, questionnaire for child, questionnaire about child. Is that enough? It is all very invasive and overwhelming. One questionnaire asks about our sex life, is it good and describe. Can you believe that? It also asks Robbie who he likes better and who he fights more with. I feel this inappropriate questions to ask a child. Am I wrong? As much, as I hated it I did it. It would be easier to poke my self with needles then do this. But, I will because I want to expand my family. Our only worries left are: do we have too many cats (5) and is our house in too much need of repair? After we pass in our paperwork training starts on October 25th.

Life with Robbie has been busy. He started back at his regular playgroup. And we were all happy to see old friends. Robbie is so comfortable and happy there, I know he will miss it next year. He also started a new group for social skills. It is him, 5 other children and 2 instructors. The parents are aloud to watch through a 2 way mirror. It is so good for him, he has to wait, take turns, stay in his seat, and ask nicely when he wants something. A few times he got frustrated and pouted when he was sent back to his seat. But, that is amazing if he were with us and got asked to sit down and wait his turn, he would throw himself on the floor and freak. Amazing what kids will do for others, they won't do for their parents! Robbie is also making more friends. He has gone to 3 parties in the last week.

My job is taking up most of my life. We are putting the finishing touches on the site. I am so proud of it. Who knew that on Saturday there are 8 different family activities in the city? I am so happy I can help other families find things to do and connect. The party planning for the launch has been intense, sending information to the press and handing out flyers and booking entertainment and finding food donations. But, I am doing it, and feeling like I am in my element!

The last update is, I heard from the heart clinic. Before I see the specialist, who is called a Electrophysiologist. I have to go for an ECHO ultrasound. Then I will be called for a consult for the Ablation. It feels like things are finally going somewhere. My medicine is working a lot better, I have had only one spike in 3 weeks. Although, I am avoiding high excitement situations like fairs and concerts. I am hoping things stay calm for the launch party. So, I am here, being a busy WAHM.

Busy working

I have been so busy working 2 jobs that I haven't had time to write. We attended the adoption information session the other day, I will write about that soon, I just have to process all we have to do. In the meantime, I have been working really hard at my new job setting up the new website. It is really starting to come together. Check it out if you get a chance and tell me what you think http://www.sjkid.com

Missing Dave, it really can't be real

I have dated and had relationships with both men and women. With women it has been outstanding, intense, fireworks. With men it has been luke-warm. Well, there was one man that was different than the rest. It was Dave. Today is the 5 year anniversary of his untimely passing. I still don't believe it is true.

We met in high school, sitting beside each other in grade 12 history. Passing notes and sharing our lives. Our lives did not become entwined then, he was too shy to ask me out. Then one day a few failed relationships later I asked him out. Their was something special in those sparkling blue grey eyes. Hints of adventure, boyishness and compassion. We spent the next 6 years breaking up and making up. Even having a commitment ceremony 3 years into it. I learned from him, how to take chances, how to be strong in the face of adversity, how you don't need to speak every time you feel something, and how special quiet affection is. I think he learned how to listen to his feelings, how to talk to someone, and how to slow down a little, and if you love something not to take it for granted. We hurt each other a lot. I was emotionally intense. And he had demons. His small pot problem turned into a large cocaine problem, that later turned into a heroin problem (after I was gone). 6 years into I threw in my hat I couldn't stay on the roller coaster and I couldn't watch the descent into hard drugs.
We were friends on and off for the next 7 years. We would still fight, the only person besides him that can makes me that mad is my mother. But, when the chips were down and I needed him he was always at my side. He dropped anything for me and my family. When my Dad died we had not spoke in 2 years. He stayed up all night talking to me. And he held my hand during the whole process and was a pallbearer.

In the last few years of his life he met his life partner Cletta. She held his hand and helped face his demons head on. I am so grateful for that. I could have never done that, and he and I were so volatile, I would have drug him down even further. He had a year and half clean before he died. He got to live that normal life that eluded him.

Then one September night. He went to the store and never returned. He took a usual short cut which included jumping of the roof of a 12 foot shed. He never made it, he probably died instantly. Only 33 years old, smart, beautiful and full of promise. I will never forget the next morning. I had turned of the ringer on my phone. I was newly pregnant and did not want any of my old bar friends to wake me up in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing with messages. One message from his Mother sounding defeated, 3 tearful messages from his sister. I knew what was wrong, even though they did not say. I felt sick inside and I actually spotted the rest of the morning. I never turned my ringer off again.

In has been five years later. I have a 4 year old child with David for a middle name (DWs idea) and it still doesn't feel real. I expect to see him walk around a corner with his camera. I expected he would meet my son and they would get into something they shouldn't. They both would give me the mischievous grin. It is funny my son is no relation to him, and has that same crocked smile and glint in his eye, when he has been up to no good. I hope Dave's soul has found peace and is sitting somewhere looking out at the water. We who are left behind will never be the same.

Weird September Days, I miss you Dad

September is a weird month full of life and loss, especially the first week. Yesterday, was 5 years ago that I peed on a stick and found out my beautiful Robbie was on the way. Tomorrow was 5 years ago, I lost my dearest friend Dave.

Today is also a big sad anniversary. 10 years ago today I lost my Dad, one of my biggest sources of unconditional love and support. I had jut moved to Montreal to go to school. My friends who brought me up had left the day before, I was alone in the big city without a friend. Then I got the call my Dad was gone. My Mom warned me the day before it might happen, but he had been sick for 10 years and always been close to death, but always escaped it. I lit a candle, made plane arrangements and spent the rest of the night on the phone with my best friend Lesley and my Ex Dave. Those 2really helped me get through.

My Dad was the greatest Dad. He wanted children for as long as he could remember. He would have been happy with 10, but he just got me. After 13 years of marriage and infertility my Mom and Dad adopted their much wanted baby. After, that I was his everything. He took me everywhere. We went to the library every Saturday morning, we went to the Movies on Sunday when the weather was bad. He took my friends with us, as many as he could shove in Rabbit hatchback. He took us skating, sliding, fishing, swimming, out to eat. He made sure I always had fun and never felt alone. He was sad when I was a teenager and my friends and I didn't want him around. He was happy when I grew into my 20's and we became close again. His greatest wish was grandchildren. I couldn't give him that while alive, instead my Son has his first and last name. I hope he is honoured. Robbie learns of his grampy all the time and can recognize him in pictures. I wish I could share the last 10 years with him, but I can't. I can just remember the 28 years he shared my life, and count myself blessed to be loved that much! Included in this post is a picture of Dad and I.

Dr. Update

I just got back from my Dr. I didn't end up seeing the cardiologist, he got the secretary to blow me off. My dr. said that my medicine wasn't working well. She told me to up my dose by half a pill if that goes well, to up it another half pill in two weeks. I asked if it would slow my heart down too much? While I do have sharp increases (177, 191, & 170 last week), my resting rate is sometimes 52-56, other times it is 85-96. She said to keep an eye on it and if it goes to low to stick with the original dose. She said sometimes medicine doesn't work well for PSVT. She feels my only hope for overcoming this is to have the Catheter Ablation. I was hoping to avoid this. While the procedure is just done in the lab, I am scared, it is my heart they will be poking around at, while I am still awake. I guess I will have to find the courage. I am on the waiting list for the Cardiologist that does this procedure. Hopefully I will get in in the next few months. But, I can't have the procedure until January, as we are using all the rest of our vacation for adoption training. Karen needs to be home for 3 days to care for Robbie when I have this procedure. The dr. wants to see me again in a month to see how the medicine and she wants to find out how far I am along on the waiting list. She also told me no more trips to the United States until my heart is fixed, she said I can't afford to be in a Cardiac unit there and my insurance will never cover it. I am hoping the new does of medicine will work, I start supply teaching next week and my second job is well under way, I need to be in good shape. Plus for my new job I have to help host a major launch party at the end of the month, I need to be in good form to host this party.

Vacation

We had such a great time on Vacation. We started off by having Lunch at Chuck E Cheese. Robbie has been begging to go there for a year and half, so he was thrilled. Karen seem to have fun playing the games too. The next day we went to the Children's musuem. The Musuem had a giant play grocery store and diner, this was heaven to my food obsessed son. We had a trip to Whole Foods, Robbie was thrilled to see a grocery store with so much vegetarian food! We also went to Joker's, which is like Chuck E. Cheese, but not as good. Robbie's favorite part was make his own Sundae at Friendly's, he said it was the best part of vacation. On our last day we enjoyed some shopping at Target, K-mart, and Wal-mart. I can't believe how cheap the kids clothes were. I internet researched everywhere we ate, to find vegetarian and child friendly restaurants. It worked well and the food was really good! The day after we got back I took Robbie to the Exhibition, where both kids (meaning Karen the big kid too, had fun on the rides). Here are some pictures from the week!

Hospital Last Night

I ended up being taken to the hospital by ambulance last night. I was watching Robbie on the kiddie rides. And my heart spiked to 179 and I could not make it to the car. I got Karen to take him on more rides while waiting for the ambulance, so he wouldn't see me. They wheeled me past the kiddie rides. I hope he was not traumatized. All I did was worry about kids. When they put me on the stretcher a bunch of kids were asking what was wrong. I told them I was a little tired and I had to go for check-up and to have fun. When Robbie saw me I told him I was going for a bed ride. The drs think my beta-blocker is not working properly. The ER is going to have me seen by a cardiologist within a week. I hope so. This is 3 spikes in less than a week. I feel like I am missing out. I want to have fun with my family, not lie home on a couch.
Will update soon with vacation pictures, when I am feeling better.

Back, but Busy

We got back late last night. Will update about vacation later. It was so busy. We are taking Robbie to the Atlantic National Exhibition today.

The Spoons, Flashback 1985!

I had my night out last night and saw the Spoons. I didn't think I was going to make it to the concert last night. AF arrived yesterday morning with a vengeance. I spent most of the day on the toilet. I have never had such bad cramps. I took some Imodium and Tylenol and got dressed. I went to my best friends house for help with hair make-up and jewelery. She has been helping me pull a look together since 1984. I could never do it without here. We listened to 80's music the whole way there. When we got there we paused to check over our hair and make-up. We walked into the tent to blaring music, Blue Peter was playing. Guess what we were about the only ones dressed up, and the ones that were dressed were not as elaborate at us. Oh, well, their loss. We got drinks and sat down. Then the weirdest thing happened I checked my heart rate and it was 177. YIKES. I got scared got up and started to leave the tent. As I was leaving it was down to 138. It went back to normal within 5 minutes out of the tent. I wonder if the loud music did it, it was 177 for less than a minute. It scared the crap out of me. I took my Ativan and my heart medicine (45 minutes early). We went in the back and watched Blue Peter, who I don't like that much anyway. My heart was normal for the rest of the night. We moved to the front for the Spoons. They were great. They were even better that 1985. And Sandy was hot. Afterward we met the band and had our pictures taken with them. I will have those pictures later, they are on my best friend's camera. Here are a few of us before we went out!

Things are looking up!

I got a second job! It is one I applied for months ago and have been patiently waiting to hear about. I interviewed on Monday and got the news yesterday. It is part-time and mostly work at home, with very flexible hours. Which means I will be able to keep my supply teaching job, which pays well when I work, but sometimes you work all week and sometimes you don't work for 3 weeks at a time. So, it is nice to have a job with some stability, while still keeping the other job. The 2 jobs allow, Karen to still work at night, and us to keep Robbie out of daycare. One more year and Robbie goes to school. So, I will be able to achieve my goal of keeping home until his school years!

The new job is interesting. It is website administrator for a new website being developed for local families. There will be list of community resources, things and places to go for families, classifieds and message boards. I will be in charge of posting the info, updating the info, developing new ideas, contests, moderating others content. Also I will be working with the public and the press for the site launch party and the site fair. I used to be a site administrator for an academic research website, when we lived in Montreal (www.iirc.mcgill.ca) and I also did educational research and teaching assistant work for the owners of the website. So, this new job will let me use these old skills which will have lied dormant for a few years. And as much as I enjoy the kids at school and the teachers I have missed the challenge of using my brain. Also, this job makes me go out and connect with other parents and families in the community. I look forward to getting to know more families in the city. The connections I make and the events I attend, for the most part be with Robbie. So, he will benefit too! I start in a week!

And today is Karen's last day of work before having a week of vacation. We are going to take a little mini vacation to Portland next week. Karen got a great deal employee deal on one of our hotel rooms, and I won us an $8.88 Super 8 Room. We will do some shopping for all of us. And a trip to Chuckie Cheese and the Children's Museum for Robbie. And when we get back the Atlantic National Exhibition is here! We will be taking Robbie, and we will stay until late at night, so Robbie can see the rides light up. Robbie is so excited he is counting down the days until all the activity starts.

And most importantly. My big night out is tomorrow! The Spoons here I come (don't worry if you are not Canadian and in you mid to late thirties, you have not heard of them) My best friend and I have our outfits planned out complete with mesh shirts, teased hair, and fingerless gloves. Robbie is already begging me not to go, Karen will have her hands full tomorrow.

Busy Days

We have been so busy the last few days. At the end of last week we took my best friend and her son on a picnic at Meehans Cove. Then Friday, I babysat her son, so she could have "date night". It was Robbie's first sleepover. Not much sleep happened! They went to bed at 12:45 and my friends son started waking up at 6am! Sunday, we went to the beach and the fireworks. Sunday, night ended with a bigger bang then the fireworks. Robbie got a stomach bug. So, I have been busy taking care of a sick boy since then. Here are a few pcitures of the picnic and sleepover.

Robbie's Evaluation

On Wednesday, we had Robbie's evaluation by the speech therapist. As he was answering questions correctly, Karen was elbowing me, smiling, a raising her hand in silent cheer. You would think she was taking the test. I couldn't believe he did things with the therapist, he would never do for us, like taking turns. He was really quite agreeable to the testing. The therapist said his language is perfect, so is his comprehension and understanding. We already knew that part. She said part of his problem is he is too verbal. He doesn't stop talking. She says their is no give and take in his conversation unless you interrupt and ask for a turn. She said he also likes to keep play in his interest area, and resists someone else changing it. She also said that he goes off on tangents (usually triggered by a certain word), that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. She tossed out the idea of Aspergers. I am not resistant to it, my best friend son has it and I have worked with kids with it. My son seems nothing like them. He has great eye contact, can hold a conversation that was initiated by someone else, can lie, and has a vivid imagination and enjoys pretend play. I can see things that are like the disorder like obsession with plastic food and shopping and playing only on his terms. I am keeping an open mind, just not latching onto to this. He will be having a full evaluation by a pediatric Development doctor. I will go with what she says. And he will be going to a social language learning group (led by the speech therapist), it once a week in the fall. He will learn how to let others kids take turns and get in their view point, changing activities and dealing with transitions. I do want him to get help with his social skills, I can see at playgroup he can't relate to most of his peers. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I was a socially awkward child, with poor motor skills,sensory issues and advanced intellect. He is a lot like me. They didn't address those problems in the seventies. I had hardly any friends, by grade 3 I was very bullied. I hated school and was miserable for years. I don't want that for him. So, if all this stuff helps, label or not, make school a happy wonderful place for him to go. Then it will all be worth it.

Bad Memories haunt me

Dw, got a letter from Revenue Canada, saying they were reviewing our medical expenses. Meaning our failed fertility expenses. Just when I had put that chapter of my life behind me. I spent the yesterday,morning writing a detailed account of every visit. Reminders of failure, reminders of hope, reminders of pain. We also spent the whole morning searching for receipts. I am very tax organized, but the move turned everything upside down. I found my Mother's receipts first, to bad it wasn't her review, it would have been easier for me to do. The year I had my son, I was not reviewed. Irony isn't it. I was able to account for every last penny, expenses, mileage and meals. Of course now their will be letters back and forth about it. Why can't this all go away? Must I spend the next few months reminded of it.

The government hasn't annoyed me this much in 2 years. 2 years ago, shortly after we left Quebec. The Quebec government wrote me a letter asking for all my family benefit payments back. Why? Because they claimed I didn't have custody of my son. During this conversation he is screaming in the background. I asked them whose noisy child was that screaming? Would they like to come have a look at him. And since both parents were married and together where was the alleged child? They had no answers. Of course, a few weeks and few calls from the federal government and Quebec believed I had him. They should have just asked the lady next door, who complained about noise, who lived there. I feel like I have made jobs for a lot government officials.

More Info for Tosha and Lisa

Tosha: yes, we are still trying to adopt. It is a slow process. The information session is in September, and then the classes are October-December. After that is home study. I wish it were sooner, we would really like a bigger family. Although, some day I have moments, where I mourn ttc, pregnancy, and having a baby. Not for Robbie, even if I had the catheter ablation and try to get pg right away and was lucky, he would be 5 or 6 before a baby came. It would be too much of a space to be playmates. It is me that misses it. I saw a baby the other day at the grocery store, a little 6 week old. I felt that, I am never going to do that again, pang. The baby was crying in its car seat. I knew that as soon as the mommy picked it up it would stop. And it did as soon as it was cuddled close. I would love to do that again. I will get past it, I just have those moments sometimes. I certainly won't miss the sleep deprivation.

Lisa: Yes, I am an only child too. I was adopted by my parents after 13 years of ttc and infertility (ironic isn't it). My parents wanted to adopt an older child when I was 7, but my Dad got sick and almost died (he pulled through). After, that my Mom was so scared of being a widow with minimal job skills, she was scared of adopting another. I never really noticed it as much as Robbie does. Although, I was over eager to make friends like him. But, I lived in a neighborhood full of kids. And those kids were usually at my house. We had an open door policy at my house. My Mom always had snacks ready for everyone; My Dad took as many kids as he could cram into a car to swimming, movies, skating and sliding; and as I got older they never said no to a sleepover. It is harder for Robbie everything in life is so scheduled. To see another child, play dates have to be scheduled. The days of the kids running out the door and playing with the neighbors is gone. For me being an only child is only hard, now that I am older, with one parent left who is ill, and no siblings to share this with.
Hopefully, next year this time, we will be a busy family of 4.

Sometimes it is hard being an Only

I took Robbie to the playground this morning. It was the first morning without Rain in a long time. He found 3 sisters aged 2, 4, & 6 to play with. He had so much fun with them Then they decided to go to see the farm animals. He wanted to go with them. I felt like I was crashing their party, but I said yes. Then they were going to the grocery store after, so we said goodbye and left them. They were his new friends and he wanted to go. It was so hard to say no and take him home. He wanted to play with them all day. I remember feeling like this when I was little. The little girls liked him, but were not upset when he left, as they had each other. Poor monkey, he is lonely. I am going to have to take him to places with kids this weekend and see if I can set up a playdate next week.

Annoyed!

We still have 4 kittens and the stray Mommy Cat living in our backyard. We took a kitten, and someone else took one. I have postered, placed ads on the internet and the paper. Handled all the emails and all the calls. The cats have to go to a shelter next week, if they don't have homes. Do, I like it? No. But, the kittens are starting to wander and will soon be hit by a car or eaten by a racoon. The mother will soon be pregnant if she is not already. If they populate more in our yard, we will get in trouble with the health board. So, why in spite of all this, is DW making me feel like the bad guy. She is sulking and saying I don't care and haven't done enough for them, that I am giving up. Who did all this, but me? She says if I send them at a shelter next week, make sure she is at work. I am really sick of being the only adult in my household, it is not fun.

Going out for coffee, the big day out!

I was so excited yesterday, I had 3 child free hours out with my best friend. I love my best friend, we have known each other since we were 14, we have seen each other through the good times and bad times, and always had a lot of fun together. Until 2 years ago, we lived most of our adult lives in different cities. Now, we do see each other a lot more often. But, now most of our time together is interrupted by "Mommy look at me", or breaking up disputes between the kids. Nice, to see our kids grow up together and they do love each other, but not carefree time. So, yesterday, we went out for coffee without the kids. I was so excited, I dressed up with the same excitement I used to put into a night on the town. We felt so giddy getting into the new car without toys, kids and significant others. We went to Star bucks and drank the most expensive coffees they have (the kind I would feel guilty about having, because the money could go to the kid, the house the car). We laughed, we gossiped, talked about old dreams and new dreams. Then we took a drive with the music blasting. Stopped at the house I grew up at, talked about the memories there. Those 3hours will keeping going during Karen's overtime next week. We have 2 more summer outings planned. We are going in 3 weeks to see the Spoons (If you aren't Canadian and weren't young in the 80's you don't know who they are), we saw them together in 1985. We are going to dress like we did in the 80's for that. Then we also plan a night out, when the kids are sleeping (Karen and bF's boyfriend will be with them). That night we plan on wearing out nighties and going to drive thru's eating bad food and driving around town. Kids are wonderful, but there is nothing like a couple of hours with an old friend.

Good bye old car, Hello new car

Today, we bought a new car. It is a Pontiac Wave, it is pretty new, a good deal. We really needed it. On our old car the body was rusted and in need of repair, the brakes were squeaking and the muffler sounded like a tank. No sense in putting money in an 11 year old car. We will miss our old car. Karen and I had just started dating in 1999 when she pulled up in the car, the first she had ever bought on her own. We had many "special" moments in there, wink, wink. We took all our friends out in it, took vacations. Karen worked 2 jobs when I was pregnant to pay it off early. We brought our son home from the hospital in it. I will miss it. But, this new one is pretty cool. Even my Mom who was scared to drive a new car, was thrilled after a few minutes of driving and threatening to keep it. Below are some pictures of the new car, look for the one of My Mom smiling, she hates camera's, so this is rare. Also, a goodbye shot of the old car!

Heart Update

I went to the Dr. yesterday. My sleep apnea test was not in. My 48 hour halter monitor showed no abnormalities, no weird rhythms or patterns. The monitor did show a number of unusual spikes in heart rate, not attributed to activity. So, she put me on Atenol. I am to monitor myself over the next few weeks and up dose as needed. I need to get my heart rate down, without lower my blood pressure too much. She thinks I will need to up my medicine a few times. SO, far it is making me spacey. She is also referring me to the electrical cardiologist for catheter ablation. I will go for the consult and weigh my options. If it is an easy recovery, I may bite the bullet and get it done. If it is a hard recovery, I may wait until Robbie is older. He climbs me a lot and I don't want him to mess up the recovery. When he is a few years older he may understand recovery better.
In other news, on my way to get a new car!

For Lisa: A start

I don't have any pictures of my other 4 cats, that are digital, they are all on film. I will take some of them, when they come out and stop being mad about fuzzy. But, Lisa you asked, so here is one more family member. My dog Bella.