Update

To say life has been busy would be a understatement. I have been working non-stop on the new website and its launch party, taking Robbie to his new group and filling out paperwork.

To go back a little, the adoption information was very informative. And they were very positive about finding forever homes for kids. We were the only same-sex family there, such is life in a small community. We left thinking we couldn't adopt because Robbie's room is to small. We went home and got the real estate plans out and it is just right, about 14 inch's over the limit. We also came home with a load of paperwork. We needed a police check, medical form, 3 references, birth, divorce, marriage certificate, adoption application, Marriage questionnaire, self-questionnaire, child-behavoiur questionnaire, autobiography, questionnaire for child, questionnaire about child. Is that enough? It is all very invasive and overwhelming. One questionnaire asks about our sex life, is it good and describe. Can you believe that? It also asks Robbie who he likes better and who he fights more with. I feel this inappropriate questions to ask a child. Am I wrong? As much, as I hated it I did it. It would be easier to poke my self with needles then do this. But, I will because I want to expand my family. Our only worries left are: do we have too many cats (5) and is our house in too much need of repair? After we pass in our paperwork training starts on October 25th.

Life with Robbie has been busy. He started back at his regular playgroup. And we were all happy to see old friends. Robbie is so comfortable and happy there, I know he will miss it next year. He also started a new group for social skills. It is him, 5 other children and 2 instructors. The parents are aloud to watch through a 2 way mirror. It is so good for him, he has to wait, take turns, stay in his seat, and ask nicely when he wants something. A few times he got frustrated and pouted when he was sent back to his seat. But, that is amazing if he were with us and got asked to sit down and wait his turn, he would throw himself on the floor and freak. Amazing what kids will do for others, they won't do for their parents! Robbie is also making more friends. He has gone to 3 parties in the last week.

My job is taking up most of my life. We are putting the finishing touches on the site. I am so proud of it. Who knew that on Saturday there are 8 different family activities in the city? I am so happy I can help other families find things to do and connect. The party planning for the launch has been intense, sending information to the press and handing out flyers and booking entertainment and finding food donations. But, I am doing it, and feeling like I am in my element!

The last update is, I heard from the heart clinic. Before I see the specialist, who is called a Electrophysiologist. I have to go for an ECHO ultrasound. Then I will be called for a consult for the Ablation. It feels like things are finally going somewhere. My medicine is working a lot better, I have had only one spike in 3 weeks. Although, I am avoiding high excitement situations like fairs and concerts. I am hoping things stay calm for the launch party. So, I am here, being a busy WAHM.

Busy working

I have been so busy working 2 jobs that I haven't had time to write. We attended the adoption information session the other day, I will write about that soon, I just have to process all we have to do. In the meantime, I have been working really hard at my new job setting up the new website. It is really starting to come together. Check it out if you get a chance and tell me what you think http://www.sjkid.com

Missing Dave, it really can't be real

I have dated and had relationships with both men and women. With women it has been outstanding, intense, fireworks. With men it has been luke-warm. Well, there was one man that was different than the rest. It was Dave. Today is the 5 year anniversary of his untimely passing. I still don't believe it is true.

We met in high school, sitting beside each other in grade 12 history. Passing notes and sharing our lives. Our lives did not become entwined then, he was too shy to ask me out. Then one day a few failed relationships later I asked him out. Their was something special in those sparkling blue grey eyes. Hints of adventure, boyishness and compassion. We spent the next 6 years breaking up and making up. Even having a commitment ceremony 3 years into it. I learned from him, how to take chances, how to be strong in the face of adversity, how you don't need to speak every time you feel something, and how special quiet affection is. I think he learned how to listen to his feelings, how to talk to someone, and how to slow down a little, and if you love something not to take it for granted. We hurt each other a lot. I was emotionally intense. And he had demons. His small pot problem turned into a large cocaine problem, that later turned into a heroin problem (after I was gone). 6 years into I threw in my hat I couldn't stay on the roller coaster and I couldn't watch the descent into hard drugs.
We were friends on and off for the next 7 years. We would still fight, the only person besides him that can makes me that mad is my mother. But, when the chips were down and I needed him he was always at my side. He dropped anything for me and my family. When my Dad died we had not spoke in 2 years. He stayed up all night talking to me. And he held my hand during the whole process and was a pallbearer.

In the last few years of his life he met his life partner Cletta. She held his hand and helped face his demons head on. I am so grateful for that. I could have never done that, and he and I were so volatile, I would have drug him down even further. He had a year and half clean before he died. He got to live that normal life that eluded him.

Then one September night. He went to the store and never returned. He took a usual short cut which included jumping of the roof of a 12 foot shed. He never made it, he probably died instantly. Only 33 years old, smart, beautiful and full of promise. I will never forget the next morning. I had turned of the ringer on my phone. I was newly pregnant and did not want any of my old bar friends to wake me up in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing with messages. One message from his Mother sounding defeated, 3 tearful messages from his sister. I knew what was wrong, even though they did not say. I felt sick inside and I actually spotted the rest of the morning. I never turned my ringer off again.

In has been five years later. I have a 4 year old child with David for a middle name (DWs idea) and it still doesn't feel real. I expect to see him walk around a corner with his camera. I expected he would meet my son and they would get into something they shouldn't. They both would give me the mischievous grin. It is funny my son is no relation to him, and has that same crocked smile and glint in his eye, when he has been up to no good. I hope Dave's soul has found peace and is sitting somewhere looking out at the water. We who are left behind will never be the same.

Weird September Days, I miss you Dad

September is a weird month full of life and loss, especially the first week. Yesterday, was 5 years ago that I peed on a stick and found out my beautiful Robbie was on the way. Tomorrow was 5 years ago, I lost my dearest friend Dave.

Today is also a big sad anniversary. 10 years ago today I lost my Dad, one of my biggest sources of unconditional love and support. I had jut moved to Montreal to go to school. My friends who brought me up had left the day before, I was alone in the big city without a friend. Then I got the call my Dad was gone. My Mom warned me the day before it might happen, but he had been sick for 10 years and always been close to death, but always escaped it. I lit a candle, made plane arrangements and spent the rest of the night on the phone with my best friend Lesley and my Ex Dave. Those 2really helped me get through.

My Dad was the greatest Dad. He wanted children for as long as he could remember. He would have been happy with 10, but he just got me. After 13 years of marriage and infertility my Mom and Dad adopted their much wanted baby. After, that I was his everything. He took me everywhere. We went to the library every Saturday morning, we went to the Movies on Sunday when the weather was bad. He took my friends with us, as many as he could shove in Rabbit hatchback. He took us skating, sliding, fishing, swimming, out to eat. He made sure I always had fun and never felt alone. He was sad when I was a teenager and my friends and I didn't want him around. He was happy when I grew into my 20's and we became close again. His greatest wish was grandchildren. I couldn't give him that while alive, instead my Son has his first and last name. I hope he is honoured. Robbie learns of his grampy all the time and can recognize him in pictures. I wish I could share the last 10 years with him, but I can't. I can just remember the 28 years he shared my life, and count myself blessed to be loved that much! Included in this post is a picture of Dad and I.

Dr. Update

I just got back from my Dr. I didn't end up seeing the cardiologist, he got the secretary to blow me off. My dr. said that my medicine wasn't working well. She told me to up my dose by half a pill if that goes well, to up it another half pill in two weeks. I asked if it would slow my heart down too much? While I do have sharp increases (177, 191, & 170 last week), my resting rate is sometimes 52-56, other times it is 85-96. She said to keep an eye on it and if it goes to low to stick with the original dose. She said sometimes medicine doesn't work well for PSVT. She feels my only hope for overcoming this is to have the Catheter Ablation. I was hoping to avoid this. While the procedure is just done in the lab, I am scared, it is my heart they will be poking around at, while I am still awake. I guess I will have to find the courage. I am on the waiting list for the Cardiologist that does this procedure. Hopefully I will get in in the next few months. But, I can't have the procedure until January, as we are using all the rest of our vacation for adoption training. Karen needs to be home for 3 days to care for Robbie when I have this procedure. The dr. wants to see me again in a month to see how the medicine and she wants to find out how far I am along on the waiting list. She also told me no more trips to the United States until my heart is fixed, she said I can't afford to be in a Cardiac unit there and my insurance will never cover it. I am hoping the new does of medicine will work, I start supply teaching next week and my second job is well under way, I need to be in good shape. Plus for my new job I have to help host a major launch party at the end of the month, I need to be in good form to host this party.