Missing Dave, it really can't be real

I have dated and had relationships with both men and women. With women it has been outstanding, intense, fireworks. With men it has been luke-warm. Well, there was one man that was different than the rest. It was Dave. Today is the 5 year anniversary of his untimely passing. I still don't believe it is true.

We met in high school, sitting beside each other in grade 12 history. Passing notes and sharing our lives. Our lives did not become entwined then, he was too shy to ask me out. Then one day a few failed relationships later I asked him out. Their was something special in those sparkling blue grey eyes. Hints of adventure, boyishness and compassion. We spent the next 6 years breaking up and making up. Even having a commitment ceremony 3 years into it. I learned from him, how to take chances, how to be strong in the face of adversity, how you don't need to speak every time you feel something, and how special quiet affection is. I think he learned how to listen to his feelings, how to talk to someone, and how to slow down a little, and if you love something not to take it for granted. We hurt each other a lot. I was emotionally intense. And he had demons. His small pot problem turned into a large cocaine problem, that later turned into a heroin problem (after I was gone). 6 years into I threw in my hat I couldn't stay on the roller coaster and I couldn't watch the descent into hard drugs.
We were friends on and off for the next 7 years. We would still fight, the only person besides him that can makes me that mad is my mother. But, when the chips were down and I needed him he was always at my side. He dropped anything for me and my family. When my Dad died we had not spoke in 2 years. He stayed up all night talking to me. And he held my hand during the whole process and was a pallbearer.

In the last few years of his life he met his life partner Cletta. She held his hand and helped face his demons head on. I am so grateful for that. I could have never done that, and he and I were so volatile, I would have drug him down even further. He had a year and half clean before he died. He got to live that normal life that eluded him.

Then one September night. He went to the store and never returned. He took a usual short cut which included jumping of the roof of a 12 foot shed. He never made it, he probably died instantly. Only 33 years old, smart, beautiful and full of promise. I will never forget the next morning. I had turned of the ringer on my phone. I was newly pregnant and did not want any of my old bar friends to wake me up in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing with messages. One message from his Mother sounding defeated, 3 tearful messages from his sister. I knew what was wrong, even though they did not say. I felt sick inside and I actually spotted the rest of the morning. I never turned my ringer off again.

In has been five years later. I have a 4 year old child with David for a middle name (DWs idea) and it still doesn't feel real. I expect to see him walk around a corner with his camera. I expected he would meet my son and they would get into something they shouldn't. They both would give me the mischievous grin. It is funny my son is no relation to him, and has that same crocked smile and glint in his eye, when he has been up to no good. I hope Dave's soul has found peace and is sitting somewhere looking out at the water. We who are left behind will never be the same.