Birthdays

I am back! Will I stay? Depends on how busy life is and how motivated I am to write.

I stopped because I was overwhelmed by some difficulties we were having, my son was having problems and going for testing, and we were not able to have our much wanted second child. The short version is my son may or may not have Aspergers, further testing in a few years will show that. Right now he is 6, and while his social skills and fine motor skills are delayed. He is a very bright child who excels academically and reads above his grade level. He loves school and starts grade one in the fall. All is well with him and we have all worked hard with him. He is so sweet, loving and we can enjoy so many of our more grown-up activities with him. We also have a second child. We recently welcomed into our home a 2 year old little girl named Jasmine, who we are adopting. She is beautiful, good sleeper, happy go lucky little child. A dream baby! And her Robbie adore each other. He is a fantastic big brother!

What is on my mind today, is my birthday. Today is my 40th Birthday, something I have dreaded since the day after my 39th birthday last year. I am so not ready to be 40. To me life is a mountain climb. I spent 40 years climbing up the mountain. Life new full of possibilities, climbing to see what would be at the long climb to the top. Now, I am at the top and proud of my life and family, but I am not ready to be there. Now, I can look down and see the bottom below, I am descending towards the end point, instead of climbing to the mid point. And if the next half goes by as quick as this half does, it will be too fast. I am not ready for that descent. I do not want to be middle aged! That means half way done. I am not even a third done! This stuff keeps me awake at night.

The shallow part of me also, doesn't want people to think of me as that old. So, what to do? Do I embrace this new decade and use it as an excuse to become more me, more outspoken, more eccentric (as I said I would in my 20's). Or do I ignore it and keep plodding along?

The other thing bothering me. Is I haven't like my birthday in about 20 years. As a child it was exciting. Who doesn't like presents and getting closer to the impossibly far away grown up status. Couldn't wait to get there and be able to do what I wanted. Somewhere in my early twenties my birthday ceased to give me that same thrill and I thought about it. What does my birthday mean to me and others? To me on my birthday many eons ago, I was born and taken away from my birthmother and spent my first week or so in the car of nurses in the hospital nursery, nurses I will never know. My birthmom (who I am glad didn't raise me), well that was the day she had to say hello and good-bye to her baby. And my own Mom and Dad didn't even know me. In fact there is no pictures of me or information about me until my parents brought me home on November 9th, 1970. To me my birthday just gives me a lonely feeling for myself, my parents and birthmother. I wish I could celebrate on November 9th, the day I joined my forever family. To me that is the important day.

Okay, I vented. And I haven't blogged in so long, it will probably never be read. Which is okay, I just needed to write. I am happy in my life right now, 2 kids, Karen is home on Parental leave for summer. We are having fun and enjoying a unique and special time in our life. I am just mopey today!