Small Complaint

A lot of my dearest online friends are giving birth or about to give birth to babies. My hears swells for happiness for them, because I have cried with along with them, during their long difficult journeys. I remember so well the joy they feel now, I felt it too when pregnant and after birth. And every day I feel lucky to have the best boy in the world. But, here is the hard part; I have worked hard in the last year and half to put my failed ttc#2 journey behind me. I have moved on happily to the idea of adopting an older child. But, sharing in their joy makes me remember what I am missing out on. As much as I want an older child, I also still want a baby. I want to be pregnant, and to breast feed and hold a tiny life close and tight. I will probably won't have a baby in my life until I am a grandmother. Even if I want to ttc and give it one last shot. I can't, my health does not allow it. My body failed me by not getting pregnant last year, and kept on going by leaving it impossible for me to ttc. I mean it is possible, but it would be so high risk, that it would not be fair to Karen and Robbie. I guess it is possible after the surgery, maybe 39 won't too late? Maybe, I will be happy with Robbie and older child. It is just new babies bring that longing back.
On a good note I am done my adoption training. Home study should be in 2 or 3 months. I am hoping we have placement early summer after my surgery is complete.