Year in Review (Poached from Lisa)

I poached this from Lisa at Baby Makes Three.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tryed to cut back on chocolate last year, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. My new year's resolution is to use the reusable shopping bags and stop taking the plastic ones at the store.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Some Mom's at Playgroup, but no one close

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, knock on wood

5. What places did you visit?
Bangor & Portland Me. and Moncton N.B.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A larger family and more money

7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The day I was in the ER, with my first episode. I don't think I was ever more scared and alone

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

DS, is overcoming some of his obstacles, new house and new job

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not expanding the family

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Developed a heart condition, that will be fixed hopefully in the spring

11. What was the best thing you bought?
DVD/VCR combo that records DVDs and converts VHS into DVDs.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My Mom for always being there to help out when we needed her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The Minister of Education

14. Where did most of your money go?

House repairs

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Moving into our new house

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
I don't want to live on the Moon (Ernie, Sesame Street)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
I think I am happier. Same weight, same money situation

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travelling

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008?

With my Mom, Robbie and Karen, perfect!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
still in love

22. What are your three favorite photos of 2008?

Robbie as pumpkin, Robbie on the slide and Robbie in Children's Museum

23. What was your favorite TV program?

One Life to Live

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
Thai food and Cake with my Family

25. What was the best book you read?

Heart and Soul by Maeve Binchy

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None, Robbie owns the stereo

27. What did you want and get?

The new house

28. What did you want and not get?

Another Child

29. What were your favorite film this year?

Sex and the City Movie

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

Yes, some great new ones at playgroup

31.What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having another child

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

I lost my fashion sense when I got pregnant, so it is kind of old mom style

33. What kept you sane?

Lesley, Josee and my Family

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

French Immersion changes

35. Who did you miss?

Dave, Dad, Lena, Ernie

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Amy

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

To be happy for what I have, I could always have less. Enjoy, each day and appreciate how truly lucky I am to have my family and friends.

Some Holiday Photos.

So, far we have been to Karen's work party, playgroup Party, and preschool party. Here are a few photos from that!
Happy Holidays to all!

Disaster Update

Well, it is good and bad. Bad news is the insurance will not cover our roof. The good news is we don't need a new roof. It will cost $250 to fix and is being fixed tomorrow. More good news is our insurance is covering the inside damage, bad news we have to pay a $500 deductable.. They will have to fix the walls, ceiling, electrical and our furnace. It is going to take a few weeks to fix, but we are on our way. Right now I have partial electricity back in my bathroom and kitchen and a working stove. After 2 days of microwave cooking by flashlight it is a relief. And the two rooms that were damaged, were the two rooms we hadn't renovated yet, we were going doing to do them after Christmas. So, at least none of Karen's renovations were ruined. We are going to try and ignore the chaos and go out and buy a Christmas Tree tomorrow.

Disaster Day

What a day. I woke up with my cold worse and my almost not able to use my voice. It is also super windy and rainy. Worked in the morning feeling miserable. Came home at lunch. Guess what? The roof is leaking. It is leaking right through the lights on the ceiling. The fire department came and turned off 75% of our electricity, including the heat and the stove. The roofers say we need a new roof. We don't have the money for a new roof. We have sank all our money and credit into renovating the house. The insurance adjusters are coming tomorrow. They will cover it if it is wind damage. Praying it is wind damage. I WISH WE NEVER BOUGHT A HOUSE. AND I DON"T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO?

Small Complaint

A lot of my dearest online friends are giving birth or about to give birth to babies. My hears swells for happiness for them, because I have cried with along with them, during their long difficult journeys. I remember so well the joy they feel now, I felt it too when pregnant and after birth. And every day I feel lucky to have the best boy in the world. But, here is the hard part; I have worked hard in the last year and half to put my failed ttc#2 journey behind me. I have moved on happily to the idea of adopting an older child. But, sharing in their joy makes me remember what I am missing out on. As much as I want an older child, I also still want a baby. I want to be pregnant, and to breast feed and hold a tiny life close and tight. I will probably won't have a baby in my life until I am a grandmother. Even if I want to ttc and give it one last shot. I can't, my health does not allow it. My body failed me by not getting pregnant last year, and kept on going by leaving it impossible for me to ttc. I mean it is possible, but it would be so high risk, that it would not be fair to Karen and Robbie. I guess it is possible after the surgery, maybe 39 won't too late? Maybe, I will be happy with Robbie and older child. It is just new babies bring that longing back.
On a good note I am done my adoption training. Home study should be in 2 or 3 months. I am hoping we have placement early summer after my surgery is complete.

Gaps in life

I have a small gap in my life, I know nothing about. I was given up for adoption at birth and my parents got be when I was 4 months old. My birth mother has told me about my conception, her pregnancy and my birth. My Mom has told me my stories from 4 months on. What is missing is my first 4 months. I have no pictures of me as a new born, no stories about my first few days, my first smile, how did I sleep, was I healthy? I have always been curious where was I, does my foster family remember me? Especially since Robbie's birth I have wondered, did I look like him as a new born, was I fussy and clingy like him? Did I have reflux like him? Well, I may get a few answers soon.
As you all know I am doing adoption training. One of the trainers is has been working for the department for about 30 years. She worked with people who were foster families in the early 80's who fostered babies, these were the same families that fostered babies in 1970, when I was a baby. She said there were only 3 or 4 families and they are all alive. She is going to do some research for me and see if she can find out who it was. I am excited to maybe complete the missing part of my life. I don't want a big relationship with them. Just maybe a meeting and any information they remember about me.

My little Singing Star

Okay, He is not the next Canadian Idol! But, he is mine and will only be 4 and this enthusiastic once.

Praying and Preschool, what to do?

I am asking my bloggers friends for help with a delicate issue I need to handle. Sometimes, I have a hard time not being a steam roller when it comes to my ds.
My ds just started preschool last week. We love the school and the teachers. And most importantly ds loves it there!

Here is the background to my problem. We are not a religous family. We believe there is a God or higher power. But, we do not belong to a church or identify with any religion, Christian, Jewish, Islam or otherwise. I believe that there are many wonderful religions but have not found one that fits me. I believe that everyone has a right to chose their own faith, church, or chose none or be an atheist. I have Christain, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, and Atheist friends. We have not talked with Robbie about God, as he is little and our beliefs are complex. I plan to let him explore what ever religion or religions he chooses as he grows, and I support him 100%!
The preschool is in a church hall, but it is not a church preschool. It says nothing in the material we have been given about being a faith based program. The first time we went they did a basic prayer before snack. We thought about it and said no problem. We will have a basic God talk, so he knows what is going on.
Here is the issue finally: We showed up early today. And they were telling him he couldn't have snack until he prayed. I felt upset. I mean this is not Sunday School. I don't mind the prayer, but he should not be forced to do this to eat. I talked with him after. And told him what God was on a basic level. And I asked him if he wanted to pray with the class. He said Yes. I told him if he doesn't, tell me and I will make sure he doesn't have too.
I am still bothered and wanted to talk to the teacher. And tell her we don't pray at home. And say, I would like Robbie to have the choice about whether he prays or not. Snack should not be dependent on it. I had to sign forms to agree to lots of things, field trips, medical, time-outs. This was never messaged.
How can I handle this delicately? I don't want to offend the teacher and her belifs. And I don't want to be the problem Lesbian Mom, of the new kid. Because you know that is what they will think. But, I do not want my son forced in to something, that has not been discussed with me and I am not comfortable with. Thanks if you actually took the time to read this.

Lesbians Attacked outside kids school

I am stunned, I just read this article about 2 lesbian Mom's being attacked outside their kids elementary school. I can't believe this happened in Canada
Click here to read the story

Halloween

Halloween is a big deal around here. Mainly, because Robbie is really into it. He said it is better than Christmas. He picked his costume last year, a few days after halloween on a clearance rack and stuck to the decision.

Our Halloween started on Tuesday, where his social skills group had a party and practiced trick or treat. He could barely contain himself or stay in his seat that day. He was the only child that would not take his costume off for snack. And during the practice trick or treat he turned down plain chips because he doesn't like them. I had a talk with him after, I told him if he does that on Halloween he will hurt peoples feelings. I said if he took all the plain chips, I would buy him a big bag of dill pickle.

On Thursday there was a pj halloween party at Playgroup. He refused to where pjs to a halloween party. So, my little pumpkin was the only one in costume. It didn't seem to bother him.

On Friday, we went to a Halloween party in the morning at Lily Lake. My little pumpkin got to me the Magician's helper and was thrilled. The only bad part about the party was the trolley ride around the park. One of the horses was going slow and the driver his it hard with leather twice. The horse never sped up. And the poor thing had a another group waiting for it, when we came back. I talked with Robbie about it and he doesn't want to go on more Trolley rides. He thanked the horses and told them they did a good job. I am putting in a complaint.

Friday night we went to the Mall trick or treating and did a few blocks nearby. I had a hard time that night. My heart was racing, in spite of several ativans. So, I stayed at the end of the driveways, and let him and Karen go up the stairs to houses. Of course he told everyone who gave him plain chips that he didn't like them and he was giving them to Mommy. SIGH. After Trick or Treating we went to my Mom's where he gets a huge bag of special treats. I swear I have enough Candy for a whole school! Then we topped it off with fireworks at the lake.

Hopefully next year, we will have 2 kids trick or treating and my heart will be all fixed.

My son the photographer

Robbie has been really into taking photos. And you know what? He is really good. Remember he is only 4 and half and is small motor delayed at a 3 year old level. I was not taking pictures this good until I was 12. I am posting a few for all to see.

Good-bye Baby Corey

Karen's cousin Chrissy had her baby way too early. A tear in her lining made her give birth to a 1 lb baby, at 2 days less of 26 weeks. Baby Corey fought for a little over a week and passed away today. Robbie will never play with baby Corey like he played with Corey's big sister Caitlyn. Their will not be photos of all the cousins together. My heart goes out to Corey's parents Chrissy and Chris. Good-bye baby Corey, we never met you, but you are a part of our family forever.

Update on us freinds and family

It has been awhile since we wrote and we have been busy with appointments and company. Karen's parents have been here for a week from Montreal. Robbie has been so happy, he hasn't seen them in over a year. His strong bond with his Grandfather, that begin at birth, has not been broken by the miles. They were always playing and cuddling. They leave today and he will be sad.
My dear friends more Montreal have been found not guilty of the child abuse charges. They had 4 professionals on their side. Their adoption of their son will not be stalled and will happen on time next month. That was the good news. The bad news is they feel like they can't trust anyone anymore. Worse of all they think the complaint came from a member of their own family. The therapist that works with their son, said they may get another complaint, because people don't always understand special needs children's behaviour (their son is being investigated for Fetal Alcohol syndrome).
Also, Karen's cousin had her baby at a little less than 26 weeks, a week ago. The little guy is making great strides, but he only weighs a pound. He is in our thoughts and prayers.
Robbie's assessment came back and his small motor and visual motor skills are considered only 34 months he is (4 and half or 54 months). And his sensory issues are getting worse. Every where else he is on target. We have an Occupational Therapist who is working with him weekly. So, we hope he will be caught up by kindergarten.
We are also working on Robbie's transfer for kindergarten. We feel our neighborhood school is wrong because it has a middle school. With having 2 Mom's I prefer he be in an elementary school environment. Being in the school system I know all that homophobic stuff starts in middle school. Robbie should not have to worry about that. So, I found a small elementary school across town, the kindergarten teacher enjoys working with boys with social problems and is pro gay families. So, I have my fingers crossed!
We started our training yesterday. Yesterday, was one of 2 all day sessions, along with 5 night sessions. I don't mind the night ones. I don't like the all day ones, I hate missing a whole day with Robbie. And to be honest I am not comfortable with how much they are building the birth parent up, it seemed to be the focus of the first session. I know depending on the child's age and circumstances they may have contact. We do not plan on taking a child with birth parent visits. And we want a much younger child, not a preteen or teen. This would work best for us and our family. I find it hard this discussion. I never knew my birth Mom until I was an adult. And the time I spent with her was damaging to be and my soul. She pulled me down and I decided to cut her off. After all she did give me life, but that's it. How long to you owe someone for that. I am glad she wasn't in my life as a child. She was a child herself. I don't thing she could contribute anything to my life, only bad examples and confusion. I won't even talk about my birth father (whose only contribution to her pregnancy was unplanned sex), Let just say he is in jail and the world is safe. I also, did not like to think of myself as adopted, my family was my family, I just came to it in a different way than my friends. I think today if a child is put up for adoption under the age of 5 and the parent is not fit and reunification is not possible, a break should be made. How confusing is it to be pulled between two families? I know the department disagrees with and have their stats to prove it. But, we all do not fit neatly on charts.

More bad news from Montreal

I found out today from our friends (the ones that have had a complaint against them) that a common acquaintance may be losing the child they were hoping to adopt. We first met these two ladies at a fostering with a view to adopt seminar 5 years ago. We did not pursue it as I was pg and didn't know it. They adopted a little boy who was placed with them at 4 days old. Last year these 2 mom's took in a little 18 month old in the fostering with a view to adopt program. They were getting ready to finalize the adoption when they got a call. The child is Cree and the Cree's have their own social agency for placement and adoption and they want the child and want it to be placed with a Cree family. I am all for kids being placed with families of the same cultural background. But, that should have been checked out a year ago, and papers signed before the child was placed. This is not in the best interest of the child.
All this is making me nervous. We have all our paperwork done and are awaiting one more document before starting training and home visit. It is a scary risk. This coupled with knowing a lot of people with babies. Part of me is still struggling with giving up being pg again and having a baby. I love babies. I watched DW hold a crying baby today while Robbie was in his preschool group, and soothe him. She was so good and so happy holding the baby. I thought I would cry. We loved Robbie's babyhood. I am excited to give an older child a home and Robbie a sibling close in age. But, part of me also wants a baby! Okay done having a tantrum.

Still Here

I have been MIA lately. Two reasons. First the good.
I have been working around the clock planning the launch party fir sjkid and making sure the site was ready for launch. I love this job. I am meeting the most amazing smart women. Women who have either do not work for pay (volunteer), work part-time or work full time with flex schedules. They have all found away to combine work and parenting, without sacrificing intellectual stimulation or quality time with their children. It is inspiring! The launch went well here are some pictures from it http://www.sjkid.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=354&Itemid=355

The bad. My wonderful dear friends in Montreal are having a major snag in their adoption. They have had been falsely accused of horrible things by a homophobic neighbor. They are the best people. They have an open house where people are invited to drop in at anytime and told to stay for dinner. They brought us fully prepared meal when Robbie was home from having surgery and we couldn't go out! They have 2 children one birth child and one who was about to be adopted by them. Both of them are special needs kids. They spend all their time at appointments seeing specialists to help the kids, mostly out of pocket. This is so unfair!

Update

To say life has been busy would be a understatement. I have been working non-stop on the new website and its launch party, taking Robbie to his new group and filling out paperwork.

To go back a little, the adoption information was very informative. And they were very positive about finding forever homes for kids. We were the only same-sex family there, such is life in a small community. We left thinking we couldn't adopt because Robbie's room is to small. We went home and got the real estate plans out and it is just right, about 14 inch's over the limit. We also came home with a load of paperwork. We needed a police check, medical form, 3 references, birth, divorce, marriage certificate, adoption application, Marriage questionnaire, self-questionnaire, child-behavoiur questionnaire, autobiography, questionnaire for child, questionnaire about child. Is that enough? It is all very invasive and overwhelming. One questionnaire asks about our sex life, is it good and describe. Can you believe that? It also asks Robbie who he likes better and who he fights more with. I feel this inappropriate questions to ask a child. Am I wrong? As much, as I hated it I did it. It would be easier to poke my self with needles then do this. But, I will because I want to expand my family. Our only worries left are: do we have too many cats (5) and is our house in too much need of repair? After we pass in our paperwork training starts on October 25th.

Life with Robbie has been busy. He started back at his regular playgroup. And we were all happy to see old friends. Robbie is so comfortable and happy there, I know he will miss it next year. He also started a new group for social skills. It is him, 5 other children and 2 instructors. The parents are aloud to watch through a 2 way mirror. It is so good for him, he has to wait, take turns, stay in his seat, and ask nicely when he wants something. A few times he got frustrated and pouted when he was sent back to his seat. But, that is amazing if he were with us and got asked to sit down and wait his turn, he would throw himself on the floor and freak. Amazing what kids will do for others, they won't do for their parents! Robbie is also making more friends. He has gone to 3 parties in the last week.

My job is taking up most of my life. We are putting the finishing touches on the site. I am so proud of it. Who knew that on Saturday there are 8 different family activities in the city? I am so happy I can help other families find things to do and connect. The party planning for the launch has been intense, sending information to the press and handing out flyers and booking entertainment and finding food donations. But, I am doing it, and feeling like I am in my element!

The last update is, I heard from the heart clinic. Before I see the specialist, who is called a Electrophysiologist. I have to go for an ECHO ultrasound. Then I will be called for a consult for the Ablation. It feels like things are finally going somewhere. My medicine is working a lot better, I have had only one spike in 3 weeks. Although, I am avoiding high excitement situations like fairs and concerts. I am hoping things stay calm for the launch party. So, I am here, being a busy WAHM.

Busy working

I have been so busy working 2 jobs that I haven't had time to write. We attended the adoption information session the other day, I will write about that soon, I just have to process all we have to do. In the meantime, I have been working really hard at my new job setting up the new website. It is really starting to come together. Check it out if you get a chance and tell me what you think http://www.sjkid.com

Missing Dave, it really can't be real

I have dated and had relationships with both men and women. With women it has been outstanding, intense, fireworks. With men it has been luke-warm. Well, there was one man that was different than the rest. It was Dave. Today is the 5 year anniversary of his untimely passing. I still don't believe it is true.

We met in high school, sitting beside each other in grade 12 history. Passing notes and sharing our lives. Our lives did not become entwined then, he was too shy to ask me out. Then one day a few failed relationships later I asked him out. Their was something special in those sparkling blue grey eyes. Hints of adventure, boyishness and compassion. We spent the next 6 years breaking up and making up. Even having a commitment ceremony 3 years into it. I learned from him, how to take chances, how to be strong in the face of adversity, how you don't need to speak every time you feel something, and how special quiet affection is. I think he learned how to listen to his feelings, how to talk to someone, and how to slow down a little, and if you love something not to take it for granted. We hurt each other a lot. I was emotionally intense. And he had demons. His small pot problem turned into a large cocaine problem, that later turned into a heroin problem (after I was gone). 6 years into I threw in my hat I couldn't stay on the roller coaster and I couldn't watch the descent into hard drugs.
We were friends on and off for the next 7 years. We would still fight, the only person besides him that can makes me that mad is my mother. But, when the chips were down and I needed him he was always at my side. He dropped anything for me and my family. When my Dad died we had not spoke in 2 years. He stayed up all night talking to me. And he held my hand during the whole process and was a pallbearer.

In the last few years of his life he met his life partner Cletta. She held his hand and helped face his demons head on. I am so grateful for that. I could have never done that, and he and I were so volatile, I would have drug him down even further. He had a year and half clean before he died. He got to live that normal life that eluded him.

Then one September night. He went to the store and never returned. He took a usual short cut which included jumping of the roof of a 12 foot shed. He never made it, he probably died instantly. Only 33 years old, smart, beautiful and full of promise. I will never forget the next morning. I had turned of the ringer on my phone. I was newly pregnant and did not want any of my old bar friends to wake me up in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing with messages. One message from his Mother sounding defeated, 3 tearful messages from his sister. I knew what was wrong, even though they did not say. I felt sick inside and I actually spotted the rest of the morning. I never turned my ringer off again.

In has been five years later. I have a 4 year old child with David for a middle name (DWs idea) and it still doesn't feel real. I expect to see him walk around a corner with his camera. I expected he would meet my son and they would get into something they shouldn't. They both would give me the mischievous grin. It is funny my son is no relation to him, and has that same crocked smile and glint in his eye, when he has been up to no good. I hope Dave's soul has found peace and is sitting somewhere looking out at the water. We who are left behind will never be the same.

Weird September Days, I miss you Dad

September is a weird month full of life and loss, especially the first week. Yesterday, was 5 years ago that I peed on a stick and found out my beautiful Robbie was on the way. Tomorrow was 5 years ago, I lost my dearest friend Dave.

Today is also a big sad anniversary. 10 years ago today I lost my Dad, one of my biggest sources of unconditional love and support. I had jut moved to Montreal to go to school. My friends who brought me up had left the day before, I was alone in the big city without a friend. Then I got the call my Dad was gone. My Mom warned me the day before it might happen, but he had been sick for 10 years and always been close to death, but always escaped it. I lit a candle, made plane arrangements and spent the rest of the night on the phone with my best friend Lesley and my Ex Dave. Those 2really helped me get through.

My Dad was the greatest Dad. He wanted children for as long as he could remember. He would have been happy with 10, but he just got me. After 13 years of marriage and infertility my Mom and Dad adopted their much wanted baby. After, that I was his everything. He took me everywhere. We went to the library every Saturday morning, we went to the Movies on Sunday when the weather was bad. He took my friends with us, as many as he could shove in Rabbit hatchback. He took us skating, sliding, fishing, swimming, out to eat. He made sure I always had fun and never felt alone. He was sad when I was a teenager and my friends and I didn't want him around. He was happy when I grew into my 20's and we became close again. His greatest wish was grandchildren. I couldn't give him that while alive, instead my Son has his first and last name. I hope he is honoured. Robbie learns of his grampy all the time and can recognize him in pictures. I wish I could share the last 10 years with him, but I can't. I can just remember the 28 years he shared my life, and count myself blessed to be loved that much! Included in this post is a picture of Dad and I.

Dr. Update

I just got back from my Dr. I didn't end up seeing the cardiologist, he got the secretary to blow me off. My dr. said that my medicine wasn't working well. She told me to up my dose by half a pill if that goes well, to up it another half pill in two weeks. I asked if it would slow my heart down too much? While I do have sharp increases (177, 191, & 170 last week), my resting rate is sometimes 52-56, other times it is 85-96. She said to keep an eye on it and if it goes to low to stick with the original dose. She said sometimes medicine doesn't work well for PSVT. She feels my only hope for overcoming this is to have the Catheter Ablation. I was hoping to avoid this. While the procedure is just done in the lab, I am scared, it is my heart they will be poking around at, while I am still awake. I guess I will have to find the courage. I am on the waiting list for the Cardiologist that does this procedure. Hopefully I will get in in the next few months. But, I can't have the procedure until January, as we are using all the rest of our vacation for adoption training. Karen needs to be home for 3 days to care for Robbie when I have this procedure. The dr. wants to see me again in a month to see how the medicine and she wants to find out how far I am along on the waiting list. She also told me no more trips to the United States until my heart is fixed, she said I can't afford to be in a Cardiac unit there and my insurance will never cover it. I am hoping the new does of medicine will work, I start supply teaching next week and my second job is well under way, I need to be in good shape. Plus for my new job I have to help host a major launch party at the end of the month, I need to be in good form to host this party.

Vacation

We had such a great time on Vacation. We started off by having Lunch at Chuck E Cheese. Robbie has been begging to go there for a year and half, so he was thrilled. Karen seem to have fun playing the games too. The next day we went to the Children's musuem. The Musuem had a giant play grocery store and diner, this was heaven to my food obsessed son. We had a trip to Whole Foods, Robbie was thrilled to see a grocery store with so much vegetarian food! We also went to Joker's, which is like Chuck E. Cheese, but not as good. Robbie's favorite part was make his own Sundae at Friendly's, he said it was the best part of vacation. On our last day we enjoyed some shopping at Target, K-mart, and Wal-mart. I can't believe how cheap the kids clothes were. I internet researched everywhere we ate, to find vegetarian and child friendly restaurants. It worked well and the food was really good! The day after we got back I took Robbie to the Exhibition, where both kids (meaning Karen the big kid too, had fun on the rides). Here are some pictures from the week!

Hospital Last Night

I ended up being taken to the hospital by ambulance last night. I was watching Robbie on the kiddie rides. And my heart spiked to 179 and I could not make it to the car. I got Karen to take him on more rides while waiting for the ambulance, so he wouldn't see me. They wheeled me past the kiddie rides. I hope he was not traumatized. All I did was worry about kids. When they put me on the stretcher a bunch of kids were asking what was wrong. I told them I was a little tired and I had to go for check-up and to have fun. When Robbie saw me I told him I was going for a bed ride. The drs think my beta-blocker is not working properly. The ER is going to have me seen by a cardiologist within a week. I hope so. This is 3 spikes in less than a week. I feel like I am missing out. I want to have fun with my family, not lie home on a couch.
Will update soon with vacation pictures, when I am feeling better.

Back, but Busy

We got back late last night. Will update about vacation later. It was so busy. We are taking Robbie to the Atlantic National Exhibition today.

The Spoons, Flashback 1985!

I had my night out last night and saw the Spoons. I didn't think I was going to make it to the concert last night. AF arrived yesterday morning with a vengeance. I spent most of the day on the toilet. I have never had such bad cramps. I took some Imodium and Tylenol and got dressed. I went to my best friends house for help with hair make-up and jewelery. She has been helping me pull a look together since 1984. I could never do it without here. We listened to 80's music the whole way there. When we got there we paused to check over our hair and make-up. We walked into the tent to blaring music, Blue Peter was playing. Guess what we were about the only ones dressed up, and the ones that were dressed were not as elaborate at us. Oh, well, their loss. We got drinks and sat down. Then the weirdest thing happened I checked my heart rate and it was 177. YIKES. I got scared got up and started to leave the tent. As I was leaving it was down to 138. It went back to normal within 5 minutes out of the tent. I wonder if the loud music did it, it was 177 for less than a minute. It scared the crap out of me. I took my Ativan and my heart medicine (45 minutes early). We went in the back and watched Blue Peter, who I don't like that much anyway. My heart was normal for the rest of the night. We moved to the front for the Spoons. They were great. They were even better that 1985. And Sandy was hot. Afterward we met the band and had our pictures taken with them. I will have those pictures later, they are on my best friend's camera. Here are a few of us before we went out!

Things are looking up!

I got a second job! It is one I applied for months ago and have been patiently waiting to hear about. I interviewed on Monday and got the news yesterday. It is part-time and mostly work at home, with very flexible hours. Which means I will be able to keep my supply teaching job, which pays well when I work, but sometimes you work all week and sometimes you don't work for 3 weeks at a time. So, it is nice to have a job with some stability, while still keeping the other job. The 2 jobs allow, Karen to still work at night, and us to keep Robbie out of daycare. One more year and Robbie goes to school. So, I will be able to achieve my goal of keeping home until his school years!

The new job is interesting. It is website administrator for a new website being developed for local families. There will be list of community resources, things and places to go for families, classifieds and message boards. I will be in charge of posting the info, updating the info, developing new ideas, contests, moderating others content. Also I will be working with the public and the press for the site launch party and the site fair. I used to be a site administrator for an academic research website, when we lived in Montreal (www.iirc.mcgill.ca) and I also did educational research and teaching assistant work for the owners of the website. So, this new job will let me use these old skills which will have lied dormant for a few years. And as much as I enjoy the kids at school and the teachers I have missed the challenge of using my brain. Also, this job makes me go out and connect with other parents and families in the community. I look forward to getting to know more families in the city. The connections I make and the events I attend, for the most part be with Robbie. So, he will benefit too! I start in a week!

And today is Karen's last day of work before having a week of vacation. We are going to take a little mini vacation to Portland next week. Karen got a great deal employee deal on one of our hotel rooms, and I won us an $8.88 Super 8 Room. We will do some shopping for all of us. And a trip to Chuckie Cheese and the Children's Museum for Robbie. And when we get back the Atlantic National Exhibition is here! We will be taking Robbie, and we will stay until late at night, so Robbie can see the rides light up. Robbie is so excited he is counting down the days until all the activity starts.

And most importantly. My big night out is tomorrow! The Spoons here I come (don't worry if you are not Canadian and in you mid to late thirties, you have not heard of them) My best friend and I have our outfits planned out complete with mesh shirts, teased hair, and fingerless gloves. Robbie is already begging me not to go, Karen will have her hands full tomorrow.

Busy Days

We have been so busy the last few days. At the end of last week we took my best friend and her son on a picnic at Meehans Cove. Then Friday, I babysat her son, so she could have "date night". It was Robbie's first sleepover. Not much sleep happened! They went to bed at 12:45 and my friends son started waking up at 6am! Sunday, we went to the beach and the fireworks. Sunday, night ended with a bigger bang then the fireworks. Robbie got a stomach bug. So, I have been busy taking care of a sick boy since then. Here are a few pcitures of the picnic and sleepover.

Robbie's Evaluation

On Wednesday, we had Robbie's evaluation by the speech therapist. As he was answering questions correctly, Karen was elbowing me, smiling, a raising her hand in silent cheer. You would think she was taking the test. I couldn't believe he did things with the therapist, he would never do for us, like taking turns. He was really quite agreeable to the testing. The therapist said his language is perfect, so is his comprehension and understanding. We already knew that part. She said part of his problem is he is too verbal. He doesn't stop talking. She says their is no give and take in his conversation unless you interrupt and ask for a turn. She said he also likes to keep play in his interest area, and resists someone else changing it. She also said that he goes off on tangents (usually triggered by a certain word), that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. She tossed out the idea of Aspergers. I am not resistant to it, my best friend son has it and I have worked with kids with it. My son seems nothing like them. He has great eye contact, can hold a conversation that was initiated by someone else, can lie, and has a vivid imagination and enjoys pretend play. I can see things that are like the disorder like obsession with plastic food and shopping and playing only on his terms. I am keeping an open mind, just not latching onto to this. He will be having a full evaluation by a pediatric Development doctor. I will go with what she says. And he will be going to a social language learning group (led by the speech therapist), it once a week in the fall. He will learn how to let others kids take turns and get in their view point, changing activities and dealing with transitions. I do want him to get help with his social skills, I can see at playgroup he can't relate to most of his peers. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I was a socially awkward child, with poor motor skills,sensory issues and advanced intellect. He is a lot like me. They didn't address those problems in the seventies. I had hardly any friends, by grade 3 I was very bullied. I hated school and was miserable for years. I don't want that for him. So, if all this stuff helps, label or not, make school a happy wonderful place for him to go. Then it will all be worth it.

Bad Memories haunt me

Dw, got a letter from Revenue Canada, saying they were reviewing our medical expenses. Meaning our failed fertility expenses. Just when I had put that chapter of my life behind me. I spent the yesterday,morning writing a detailed account of every visit. Reminders of failure, reminders of hope, reminders of pain. We also spent the whole morning searching for receipts. I am very tax organized, but the move turned everything upside down. I found my Mother's receipts first, to bad it wasn't her review, it would have been easier for me to do. The year I had my son, I was not reviewed. Irony isn't it. I was able to account for every last penny, expenses, mileage and meals. Of course now their will be letters back and forth about it. Why can't this all go away? Must I spend the next few months reminded of it.

The government hasn't annoyed me this much in 2 years. 2 years ago, shortly after we left Quebec. The Quebec government wrote me a letter asking for all my family benefit payments back. Why? Because they claimed I didn't have custody of my son. During this conversation he is screaming in the background. I asked them whose noisy child was that screaming? Would they like to come have a look at him. And since both parents were married and together where was the alleged child? They had no answers. Of course, a few weeks and few calls from the federal government and Quebec believed I had him. They should have just asked the lady next door, who complained about noise, who lived there. I feel like I have made jobs for a lot government officials.

More Info for Tosha and Lisa

Tosha: yes, we are still trying to adopt. It is a slow process. The information session is in September, and then the classes are October-December. After that is home study. I wish it were sooner, we would really like a bigger family. Although, some day I have moments, where I mourn ttc, pregnancy, and having a baby. Not for Robbie, even if I had the catheter ablation and try to get pg right away and was lucky, he would be 5 or 6 before a baby came. It would be too much of a space to be playmates. It is me that misses it. I saw a baby the other day at the grocery store, a little 6 week old. I felt that, I am never going to do that again, pang. The baby was crying in its car seat. I knew that as soon as the mommy picked it up it would stop. And it did as soon as it was cuddled close. I would love to do that again. I will get past it, I just have those moments sometimes. I certainly won't miss the sleep deprivation.

Lisa: Yes, I am an only child too. I was adopted by my parents after 13 years of ttc and infertility (ironic isn't it). My parents wanted to adopt an older child when I was 7, but my Dad got sick and almost died (he pulled through). After, that my Mom was so scared of being a widow with minimal job skills, she was scared of adopting another. I never really noticed it as much as Robbie does. Although, I was over eager to make friends like him. But, I lived in a neighborhood full of kids. And those kids were usually at my house. We had an open door policy at my house. My Mom always had snacks ready for everyone; My Dad took as many kids as he could cram into a car to swimming, movies, skating and sliding; and as I got older they never said no to a sleepover. It is harder for Robbie everything in life is so scheduled. To see another child, play dates have to be scheduled. The days of the kids running out the door and playing with the neighbors is gone. For me being an only child is only hard, now that I am older, with one parent left who is ill, and no siblings to share this with.
Hopefully, next year this time, we will be a busy family of 4.

Sometimes it is hard being an Only

I took Robbie to the playground this morning. It was the first morning without Rain in a long time. He found 3 sisters aged 2, 4, & 6 to play with. He had so much fun with them Then they decided to go to see the farm animals. He wanted to go with them. I felt like I was crashing their party, but I said yes. Then they were going to the grocery store after, so we said goodbye and left them. They were his new friends and he wanted to go. It was so hard to say no and take him home. He wanted to play with them all day. I remember feeling like this when I was little. The little girls liked him, but were not upset when he left, as they had each other. Poor monkey, he is lonely. I am going to have to take him to places with kids this weekend and see if I can set up a playdate next week.

Annoyed!

We still have 4 kittens and the stray Mommy Cat living in our backyard. We took a kitten, and someone else took one. I have postered, placed ads on the internet and the paper. Handled all the emails and all the calls. The cats have to go to a shelter next week, if they don't have homes. Do, I like it? No. But, the kittens are starting to wander and will soon be hit by a car or eaten by a racoon. The mother will soon be pregnant if she is not already. If they populate more in our yard, we will get in trouble with the health board. So, why in spite of all this, is DW making me feel like the bad guy. She is sulking and saying I don't care and haven't done enough for them, that I am giving up. Who did all this, but me? She says if I send them at a shelter next week, make sure she is at work. I am really sick of being the only adult in my household, it is not fun.

Going out for coffee, the big day out!

I was so excited yesterday, I had 3 child free hours out with my best friend. I love my best friend, we have known each other since we were 14, we have seen each other through the good times and bad times, and always had a lot of fun together. Until 2 years ago, we lived most of our adult lives in different cities. Now, we do see each other a lot more often. But, now most of our time together is interrupted by "Mommy look at me", or breaking up disputes between the kids. Nice, to see our kids grow up together and they do love each other, but not carefree time. So, yesterday, we went out for coffee without the kids. I was so excited, I dressed up with the same excitement I used to put into a night on the town. We felt so giddy getting into the new car without toys, kids and significant others. We went to Star bucks and drank the most expensive coffees they have (the kind I would feel guilty about having, because the money could go to the kid, the house the car). We laughed, we gossiped, talked about old dreams and new dreams. Then we took a drive with the music blasting. Stopped at the house I grew up at, talked about the memories there. Those 3hours will keeping going during Karen's overtime next week. We have 2 more summer outings planned. We are going in 3 weeks to see the Spoons (If you aren't Canadian and weren't young in the 80's you don't know who they are), we saw them together in 1985. We are going to dress like we did in the 80's for that. Then we also plan a night out, when the kids are sleeping (Karen and bF's boyfriend will be with them). That night we plan on wearing out nighties and going to drive thru's eating bad food and driving around town. Kids are wonderful, but there is nothing like a couple of hours with an old friend.

Good bye old car, Hello new car

Today, we bought a new car. It is a Pontiac Wave, it is pretty new, a good deal. We really needed it. On our old car the body was rusted and in need of repair, the brakes were squeaking and the muffler sounded like a tank. No sense in putting money in an 11 year old car. We will miss our old car. Karen and I had just started dating in 1999 when she pulled up in the car, the first she had ever bought on her own. We had many "special" moments in there, wink, wink. We took all our friends out in it, took vacations. Karen worked 2 jobs when I was pregnant to pay it off early. We brought our son home from the hospital in it. I will miss it. But, this new one is pretty cool. Even my Mom who was scared to drive a new car, was thrilled after a few minutes of driving and threatening to keep it. Below are some pictures of the new car, look for the one of My Mom smiling, she hates camera's, so this is rare. Also, a goodbye shot of the old car!

Heart Update

I went to the Dr. yesterday. My sleep apnea test was not in. My 48 hour halter monitor showed no abnormalities, no weird rhythms or patterns. The monitor did show a number of unusual spikes in heart rate, not attributed to activity. So, she put me on Atenol. I am to monitor myself over the next few weeks and up dose as needed. I need to get my heart rate down, without lower my blood pressure too much. She thinks I will need to up my medicine a few times. SO, far it is making me spacey. She is also referring me to the electrical cardiologist for catheter ablation. I will go for the consult and weigh my options. If it is an easy recovery, I may bite the bullet and get it done. If it is a hard recovery, I may wait until Robbie is older. He climbs me a lot and I don't want him to mess up the recovery. When he is a few years older he may understand recovery better.
In other news, on my way to get a new car!

For Lisa: A start

I don't have any pictures of my other 4 cats, that are digital, they are all on film. I will take some of them, when they come out and stop being mad about fuzzy. But, Lisa you asked, so here is one more family member. My dog Bella.

New Blog Name, New Family Member

I caught one of the stray kittens and we have decided to keep it. We are still trying to find homes for the other 5 and their Mother. The blog name has been changed in honor of our new addition. The kitten is 6 weeks old and named Fuzzy by Robbie. We love it. The other cats hate it! And Fuzzy hates the dog, who desperately wants to make friends. Here are some pictures of our new family member.

Time well spent!

Karen took Robbie grocery shopping and I stayed home. My son is the light of my life. But, he is a clingy monkey and climbs me and is on me all day long. I am really saturated because Karen has been doing overtime and I don't work in the summer. So, it was a nice break to have him out and have my space. What did I do with my time? Did I, clean, renovate, laundry, bills????? NOPE. I did nothing. I didn't get dressed, I put my feet up and watched bad daytime TV. It was a little piece of heaven!

Happy and Sad, or just confused

We went to get the last of Robbie's shots at public health today. I ended up talking to the nurse about some of his issues. He has real sensory issues. He can't stand to wear shoes and socks, when we go out he takes them off every 10 minutes. When he gets home, he can't stand to be dressed and strips to a t-shirt. He does not like me to brush his teeth, as he doesn't like his face held. He has certain food aversions, he won't eat mashed food (just like me.)He is obsessed with plastic food and groceries. His gross motor is a little behind, he can't ride his tricycle or hop on one foot and is clumsy. He won't let me teach him to draw or print, or colour in the lines. And in the winter he is clingy, and just out of control behaviour wise. We had the Autism talk, and I helped her rule that out, his speech, comprehension, understanding of others and communication skill are beyond excellent. The nurse referred him for physiotherapy and occupational therapy. And I had a call from a social learning program, he was referred to this at his 3 and half year check-up, in the winter. It is a program to help him with transitions and social interaction with peers, all which are problem areas. So, he has an assessment for that, to see which group he will go to (they try to fit together similar children). I was telling her about my talk with the nurse, and she was concerned too. She said she would carefully screen him and would probably refer him to a developmental specialist and their team.

I don't how to feel. His problems have overwhelming me, tiring me out and worrying me. His ped. brushed us off when I saw him for the winter behaviour. I am relieved someone is listening and going to get him help. Now, is the time, as he goes to school in 2009.

The other part of me is upset. I feel he has a lot of good qualities. He is loving, affectionate, a great conversationalist, has a wonderful imagination, good with babies and pets. He is very advanced verbally and doing well with early reading skills. Maybe these are his quirks? Maybe 2 kinds of therapy, a social group and his play group is overkill? Maybe he will grow out of his issues or they won't be as significant as he gets older (I dealt with my own texture problems and motor skill problems).

Also, how did this happen? Did I hand him down some crappy genes, as I have had some of these problems myself. And is this because I am a bad parent? Shouldn't I be able to handle all this myself. Shouldn't my MA in child studies and my almost finished PhD in education made me see these problems earlier? Shouldn't my background enable me to help him, without a bunch of interventions?

I am just going to suck it all up. Follow the steps and get my son the help he needs. I am happy he is getting help he needs and someone listened. But, I am also confused and baffled. And sad, I want his life to be smoother, an average kid. With my motor problems, lack of social skills and big brain, I had trouble making friends and fitting in. I wanted better for him. Maybe the help will help us find a better spot. I am just sad we have to go there.

PSVT driving me crazy

PSVT is driving me crazy. Yesterday, for no reason my heart started beating at 144 just getting up getting Robbie a snack, about 45 minutes to get it back to normal. And the rest of the night was spent on the couch. This morning was normal until 10:00 another 45 minute attack, hovering between 135-142 just sitting up doing nothing. I never know what to do, wait it out, call an ambulance. I can not wait until my appointment next week, I need medicine for this. Something in my heart is sending a very mixed up message. And let me say last night it was a challenge to look after Robbie during the episode. I also couldn't play with him, which makes me feel guilty.

New Residents at my house

As you all know, I have a whole groundhog family, including babies living on my property. That is fine, we feed them and they can take care of themselves quite well. Well, now we have new residents. Ones I am concerned for. A mommy cat and her 4 kittens are living under our shed (The picture above is of them, but they are too scared to get a good picture). The kittens are only about 3 or 4 weeks old. We are feeding them. We don't dare bring them in, I can't bring them in here, there is no private room where my cats can't access them, besides Robbie's room. We thought of the local animal shelter, but they are a kill shelter, that is currently overrun with cats and is putting most of them down. It is warm and nice out, we are feeding them, and then plan to give them away when they are a few weeks older. We can't keep them as we already have 4 very old cats. I hope I am doing the right thing by feeding them and letting them stay where they are for now. I have sent out 80 emails to local friends hoping to find a home. Any advice from fellow bloggers? How would you handle this?

Another ER Trip

I spent the morning in the ER yesterday. I was up the night before with all sorts of weird symptoms. I had pressure in my chest, I was nervous, nauseous, gassy, and my limbs were weak. I kept checking my heart and it was beating normal, usually I would be having a PSVT episode with these symptoms. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. No such luck. In the morning I went to the ER. The dr. told me I probably had an episode in my sleep and was experiencing the aftermath. He said when my dr. puts me on meds this won't happen. The end of the month and my appointment can't come fast enough. Then I will have something to help, and maybe I will get up the nerve to ask for the referral for the procedure to fix it. I can't live like this. It is disruptive and nerve wracking. I was so torn in the middle of the night, do I get up and ask to go to the hospital and disrupt the whole family or do I wait it out. Yesterday, Karen was supposed to work overtime and couldn't cause she was sitting in the waiting room worrying about me. I want my life back.

Another Fun Summer Day

Not much time to blog these days. Too busy enjoying summer. I will have something to say soon, when the sun hides. For now here are some pictures from todays outing with Robbie's best friend!

First Day in the Wading Pool

The weather has been crappy until a few days ago! So, we have had Robbie's pool sittng in our kitchen waiting to be used. Today, the sun is shining adn we brought it out and my best friends son came over. The two of them had a ball in the pool. So, did Mommy dipping her feet in! Next, time I think I will hop right in!

Trying to forget TTC

Since I haven't been ttc, I have trying to ignore my cycle. I don't even remember my LMP. I am trying to move forward and spend the summer enjoying my family and the fall working on expanding it through adoption. But, I can't ignore the signals my body is giving me. I have such big time signs of ovulation. I hate it. When I was ttc Robbie my body wouldn't do it on my own. Now, that I can't ttc here comes the perfect cycles. Someone up there is having a joke on me. Not funny.

Just Family Fun

I have nothing exciting to blog about, nothing big good or bad happened. We just had a nice family weekend. Went to my friends, baby's first birthday party, at the beach Saturday. Robbie had a ball in and out of the water. Today, we went to the ocean and the playground. Robbie fell in the ocean and got soaked to the skin. These are the kind of things I looked forward to, in the hard years of ttc. And now they are a wonderful reality. Here are some pictures from the weekend.